I've said some pretty funny things over the years. Unfortunately, most of it has been by accident. In high school my friends and I all did one of those stupid "about me" survey things, and the question of "Who is your funniest friend" was answered by everyone as either myself, or our friend Chris. It was determined that he was funniest on purpose, and I was funniest by my own stupidity. While I'm sure there are some gems that I'm forgetting, here are some of the most entertaining things I said by accident.
One day, Syd, Spanky McCracken, and I were at our friend Scott's house. Syd was opening a box of Magic booster packs when Scott's sister
came down to talk to him before leaving. Spanky and I were being polite and saying hi and such, while Syd was quietly opening his
cards. The conversation went thusly:
Another time at Scott's house, we were fucking around with a program called AOHell. For those of you who don't know, this was a program for "hackers", which is to say it was for annoying kids like us that thought "AOHell" was a clever name. We were in a chatroom, and AOHell had a function called "lamerize" or something of that nature. Basically, it was for people who weren't smart enough to come up with their own insults. Scott said which one of the insults in the program he thought was best, which I then followed with "I don't know, Scott. I like 'being a gay ass cum drinking faggot'". Obviously I was quoting which of the prepackaged insults I thought was most entertaining, but it wasn't quite taken that way, and took years to live down.
I don't remember the story behind the next thing I said. I assure you there was a context, and perhaps Syd or Spanky can remind me because I can't for the life of me remember. I believe this was said as a threat, but I said I was going to "pop a testy" in someone's ass, much like one would pop a cap in someone's ass. As I said, I swear to God that this made sense in some sort of context, or at the very least I pray to God that it did, but I can't remember why I would ever have said that.
This last one shows that sometimes the things I say are funny not because of their vaguely gay nature, but because I can just be
very absent minded. My girlfriend and I were flipping channels one morning while having breakfast, and we stopped on Sci-Fi because
they were playing some terrible remake of Carrie. I've only seen parts of the original, but my girlfriend assured me that the plot was
pretty much identical, except in the new one Carrie made it rain sulfur. If I recall, the original reason we stopped on the channel was because
Carrie's friend Sue was being played by Kandyse McClure, who plays Lt. Dualla on Battlestar Galactica. I had to leave for work
before the end, and when I got back I had the following conversation with my girlfriend:
Just to show that sometimes I say funny things on purpose, here's another conversation I had with my girlfriend. I was laying in bed and I kept freaking
out cause I heard a noise, in the room and I couldn't find it. I finally figured out it was actually the sound of my can of Sprite
fizzing, as I had opened it like five minutes prior, so it hadn't had a chance to go flat yet. I also have an overall poor sense of smell, so I decided
that my other senses were becoming like super powers to compensate.
© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus