I may not be from the deep south, but I still love America. I also love our national anthem. Other nations, for some reason, could care less
about their own anthems. For example, over 75% of Canadians do not know the first two words to their national anthem, "Oh! Canada", despite the fact
that the first two words are indeed "Oh! Canada"...and no, I did not make that statistic up. So why aren't other countries as excited about
their national anthems as we are? I mean, sure the Star Spangled Banner is a beautiful ballad to patriotism, but it's also just a poem put
to the tune of the world's hardest drinking song ever. Seriously, have you ever sung the national anthem? My fraternity performed it at U. Miami sporting
events in four part harmony, and that shit is hard. Either people were a lot more talented hundreds of years ago or just had more time to
practice, cause I could barely pull that thing off sober. During my eBay exploits, I put up a CD of national anthems which held the answer to this question.
Other countries don't care about their national anthem because their national anthems suck, particularly European nations. Here's what I mean:
Great Britain - God Save the Queen - Eddie Izzard nailed this when he talked about how the queen doesn't need any fucking saving. Also, you're not
going to get the masses excited by making them sing the praises of the douchebag who taxes them.
Switzerland - Patriotic Song - How very original! Your nation's hearts will burn with pride as they sing a song that could be about any country
in the entire fucking world!
Russia - Patriotic Song - See? Any country.
Czech Republic - Kde Domov Nuj? - What are you asking me for? I have absolutely no idea what this translates to, but I know your national anthem
shouldn't be a question. It could translate to "we're the best country in the entire world and will someday overthrow the governments of every
world nation to become the sole superpower on the entire planet", but it's still a question so it lacks any real weight. I don't know what you're
trying to ask me, Czech Republic, but the answer's no.
Turkey - Independence March - Nothing says independence like uniformly walking in perfectly dressed lines with your legs moving at exactly the same time
as the people next to, in front of, and behind you. In Turkey they also call prison cells "independence chambers".
Germany - Deutschland Lied - That's alright, Russia wasn't going to hold up it's end of the non-aggression pact anyway.
Ukraine - Ukraine Is Still Alive - That's the best you can hope for in your crappy nation, to be not yet dead? Well sign me up! This anthem
will actually prove useful when Ukraine is invaded and their numbers thin out severely. Being able to sing that Ukraine is still alive when they're
being beaten down and battered will light a patriotic fire under their asses larger than all the burning American flags in the Middle East put together.
Not terribly helpful in peace time, though.
Poland - Still Alive - Poland won't even identify itself as a collective in it's national anthem. Each individual is just happy they're still alive.
Amazingly, this song was written before 1939.
Aren't you proud to be an American now?
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© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus