I've been to a lot of different restaurants over the years. I'm not that hard to please, for example at Macaroni Grill they have crayons on the table and a paper table cloth. That's more than enough to keep me entertained for my entire meal. Some restaurants, however, are pretty much terrible. Be it the food, service, or ambiance, it's just absolutely not fun going there. There are a lot of mediocre restaurants out there, so I'd like to highlight the truly terrible experiences I've had.
Applebee's - This place sucks. I went once and thought it was terrible, so I vowed never to go again. I got talked into going again, and the same thing happened. I've been there five times and only enjoyed my meal once, but the last time I went was by far the worst. I ordered a burger which I asked to be cooked medium. The burger came out charred, and the lettuce and tomatoes were frozen. Our waitress had been completely inattentive to us that visit, which is odd because she was sitting down at all her other tables having conversations with people she clearly had never met before, so I had to wait about 20 minutes before I could explain, and I quote, "This burger is burnt, and I asked for it to be...not."
The Rainforest Cafe - It's been years since I was there, so I don't remember the food at all. What I do remember, is the atmosphere, which I imagine is very much like the real rainforest. There was a cacophony of annoying animal sounds, and because the artificial canopy was supposed to be so dense as to block out must of the sun, they in turn had very little lighting in the restaurant. I have really good vision so I was able to slowly navigate through the menu, but my father, who was learning that he needed reading glasses, was only able to read a couple words at a time whenever the simulated lightning would strike. I'm sure this whole rainforest environment thing seemed cute from a marketing standpoint, but I can't imagine any of the executives at the restaurant actually ate there in their lives. If anything, they may have sampled the food from their well lit conference rooms.
Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag - This place was terrible. I ordered Moe's Million Dollar Birthday Fries, and he fucking flipped out. He started screaming at some girl because her "toof hurt", and he threatened to kill us all. I think the place got turned into a dive bar.
Not Your Average Joe's - The name is perfectly honest in that this restaurant is not average, but people will undoubtedly read the name and assume it's claiming to be good. A more accurate name would be Less Than Average Joe's, but that's not nearly as catchy. Actually, I think it's more catchy, but it'd fuck business pretty hard. Maybe it was just the specific one we went to, but the tables were so close together we were essentially a part of other people's conversations, whether we wanted to be or not. The food is decent, but it's expensive with tiny portions, and the service was terrible. Our waitress asked if we wanted drinks, walked away, and we didn't see her for about 20 minutes. When we did see her again, she looked at us and then quickly turned around, as though to avoid or impatient gazes, but did not return with drinks. There was a whole lot of waiting involved, and not a whole lot of tipping. It could have been worse, however, as my boss went there once and was handed a glass of soda covered in blood.
Bugaboo Creek Steak House - Apparently the waitstaff is taught that customers have short attention spans. Our waitress was very rude in the beginning,
and when our appetizer arrived she literally threw it on the table and walked off. As soon as we were almost done with our entrees, however,
she started finally getting us refills and being polite, as if we forgot what a bitch she was. That's not the real issue with this place, though.
Lots of places, most notably Friday's, have goofy shit on the walls, and that's fine. This place, however, had a talking Buffalo head. There was a couple and their really
little kid eating near us. The kid had been out of control and the parents were trying to get him to calm the fuck down. The moment
they did, the giant fucking buffalo started talking about how it loves to eat grass or something. Yeah, that's not distracting
when you're trying to have a nice meal. It's not like steak houses tend to be really expensive or anything, so I wouldn't possibly expect
a nice, peaceful dining experience. Oh yeah, as soon as they got the kid to shut up again, the staff came out banging plates and shit for
someone's birthday. Fun times.
How about "Mad-Man Moe's Pressure Cooker"?
© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus