Robert, old boy, I need to give it to you straight. Your life is about to go downhill, starting November 21st when "Twilight" opens.
Let's face it, you haven't had that much work yet. Your filmography actually lists more appearances as yourself on shows like
Entertainment Weekly than actual acting roles. You've already been in two Harry Potter movies as well as "Ring of the Nibelungs", the Nordic
legend that inspired "Lord of the Rings", and now you're the star of "Twilight". Congratulations, sir: you've just been type cast.
Sure, you're going to make a ton of money off this for now. Much like Harry Potter, "Twilight" is based on a series of books, and when
it opens on November 21st it will make enough in that weekend to justify sequels. You'll be as happy as a pig in shit, whatever that means.
The problem is that on November 21st people will actually see this movie, and reviews will come in. You should probably save yourself the
time of reading the reviews and just start drinking now, because we all know this movie is going to suck giant balls. And because you're the star
of the movie, for the next two months anyone who looks at you is just going to see a big pair of balls in your face.
But wait, it can get worse! You're probably thinking you can at least get some action with the ladies because you'll be a big movie star
now, right? Wrong. Don't get me wrong, you'll have fans. You already have fans in fact. I heard an account from one of your fans on the radio
yesterday, and it was amazing. She and her best friend rode 8 hours in a car so they could line up at 4:30 am outside a closed mall, where there were
already hundreds of people waiting, to meet you and get your autograph. When the doors opened, she actually trampled over her own friend
to get to you first. There were actually multiple people trampled in the frenzy, and I think a couple even died so, way to go. You have
blood on your hands. Anyway, this would seem like a dream for you I'm sure, but the problem is that she and her friend rode 8 hours
to get to the mall, they didn't drive 8 hours. That's right, all your fans are stupid 13 year old girls, which means the only action
you'll be getting as a result of this movie will result in you going to jail. Of course, you've already an accessory to murder by Keds,
so I guess you figure that since you're going to jail for life anyway you may as well commit a whole bunch of crimes, is that it? You make
me sick, asshole.
You might be thinking at this point that you can avoid all of this by not signing onto the other "Twilight" movies. That girl that
played Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies tried that, and they just threw money at her. Don't pretend the same isn't going to
work on you. Each sequel will be more terrible than the original movie, and with each sequel you're only going to further your type casting.
It won't be long before your only hope is to run around Broadway naked in a futile attempt to be seen as something other than "the guy
in all those fantasy movies", just like Daniel Radcliffe.
So my advice to you? Hook up with Gerrard Way from My Chemical Romance. It seems like you have a lot in common, and while he kinda looks
like a 13 year old girl, at least you won't go to jail for fucking him.
Vampire chick flick? More like borophyl!
© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus