Don't let the title fool you, as this is not necessarily a lampooning of the entire film industry. I'm not going criticize the fact that
every romantic comedy is so similar that Saturday Night Live was able to go through the formula of every romantic comedy ever in Drew Barrymore's
three minute monologue, including a scene in which Will Forte gloats that they will have sex in "multiple positions".
They may be very formulaic, but that's not what I'm here to talk about. Besides, there hasn't been a new idea in centuries.
Every story has already been told, and at this point we're just seeing how different people tell the story. Even with the rate that
things like technology are increasing, there still aren't any new thoughts behind invention. Every invention begins with either the thought
"I want to make my life easier and lazier", or "All I wanted to do was make people happy...and make a buttload of money". Given that, I'm willing
to sit through action movies whose scripts require more high explosives than thought, mysteries where it's always the person you least suspect,
because that person showed up once in the first five minutes of the movie and had no dialogue, and teen dramas where, even after "Not Another Teen Movie",
they still insist on taking off the ugly girl's glasses and taking her hair out of a ponytail. What I am not willing to sit through, however,
is remake after remake after remake.
There are three types of remakes. First there are movies like King Kong, Planet of the Apes, and probably some movies that have nothing to do with
monkeys as well. These are normally movies that are considered classic, so studios assume that pumping out a shitty remake will make them a mint.
Often times, like with King Kong, they try to surpass the original, and very frequently, like with King Kong, they fall flat on their faces. The remake
of that movies was about 90 minutes too long. Amazingly, it was also about 90 minutes longer than the original. And Jack Black? I love Tenacious D
and all, but the man is not a serious actor. If a movie is classic enough that someone feels they want to remake it, it's probably classic enough
that there's absolutely no reason to remake it.
The second type of remakes are those movies that have almost nothing to do with the original movie, except for the name. Sitting on my DVD player right now
are copies of "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and "Death Race 2000". If you haven't seen trailers yet, these are both coming to a theater
near you, and are both going to suck. If they made a sequel to "The Day the Earth Stood Still" in which the aliens come back to punish us for
being assholes and not really learning our lesson, that would be fine. In fact, that could potentially be a good movie. But to not only remake
the original, classic movie, but to do it with fucking Keanu Reaves as Klatu? Keanu Reaves is a terrible, emotionless actor who has no business
in this role. In the trailer you see him in government custody and hooked up to a lie detector. When asked if he's human he answers "My body is",
in what is undoubtedly supposed to be a very eerie scene or some shit. I have yet to re-watch the movies on my DVD player, but, as I recall, there
was nothing terribly spooky about the character playing Klatu. He was just disguised as a pleasant business man staying at a bed and breakfast until
he was able to figure out who he needed to talk to. The "Death Race" remake looks to have even less to do with the original than the previous movie.
In the remake, the drivers are criminals who are trying to kill each other for their freedom. If I remember correctly, in the original the drivers
are essentially celebrities who are trying to kill civilians for points. There's also no big conspiracy involving the person who runs the race
setting someone up to make them compete. In fact, the new "Death Race" sounds a lot more like "The Running Man" than the original movie. That's another
good movie that doesn't really need a remake either, though.
Actually, of the three types of remakes, the last is the only type that has any reason to exist. Ironically, it's the one that I find hardest to come
up with examples for. In fact, I can't think of a single movie that fits this category, only a TV show. The third category, the type that deserve to
be remade, are movies that have, at best, a cult following because they had a very good premise, but were executed poorly. The one example that comes
to mind is Battlestar Galactica. The original TV show was pretty terrible, but the basic premise was really good. When they remade the show 25 years
later with much better writing, acting, and special effects, it wound up being the best show on television. I can't think any movies that were
remade in this fashion, though "I Am Legend" should be remade, because every film version has been terrible, but it's an amazing story. Dark Maze Studios,
get on it. I will begrudgingly accept the role of Robert Neville, and Syd can be his former co-worker who is always outside Neville's house yelling
at him.
Do you know what multiple positions means? Minimum: two positions
© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus