When I say jokes are stupid, obviously I'm not talking about the humorous things that Syd and I write.
I'm talking about actual jokes. When was the last time someone told you a joke? I bet whenever it was, you could
still count your age on your fingers. Comedians don't tell jokes. They have acts which could be observational humour like Seinfeld,
making fun of the audience like Don Rickles, yelling really loud like Sam Kinison, or being unfunny like Carrot Top. Know why
comics don't tell jokes? Because jokes, in the traditional sense of the word, aren't funny. don't believe me? Well let's look
at some common jokes and types of jokes so I can prove how stupid you are for arguing with me.
Knock-Knock jokes - This is about the laziest type of joke there could ever be. First of all, the person you're telling the joke to
does half the work for you, by setting you up for a hilarious punchline, which you will inevitably fail to do. And no, "Orange you
glad I didn't say 'banana'" is far from hilarious; it's barely even a punchline. The thing is, this type of joke only works if
you're telling it to someone who already knows how knock-knock jokes work, otherwise you have to explain that they need to say stuff
too. If they already know how they work, they've probably already heard all five of them, and even if they don't they're all extremely
obvious. I mean, how clever can you really be when the punchline is just the setup with one or two additional words?
Dead baby jokes - I have to admit, I do still find these funny sometimes because of how absurd they are. I couldn't figure out
when society decided that dead babies were funny, but I believe I figured it out. The jokes normally have to do with piles of dead
babies, and as Hitler said, "One dead baby is a tragedy. A million dead babies is a fucking laugh riot." At least I think that's what
he said anyway. I guess what I'm saying is that if you find these jokes funny then you'll burn in Hell for all eternity with Hitler.
Grosser than gross - I'm not sure how mainstream these were as I only heard them in the Boy Scouts. The structure was simple.
It was merely "You know what's gross?" followed by a statement, and then "You know what's grosser than gross?" followed by a related
but far more disgusting statement. I can't figure out if these were even meant to be funny, if they were just supposed to be informative.
Either way, epic fail.
Of course, this brings us to the epitome of bad joke. The joke has no punchline. There's nothing funny about it, and yet it's
the first joke every child ever hears. "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!" I'm 25 years old and I still
don't get it. Is it supposed to be ironic because of how obvious the answer is? If so, I don't think a two year is going to get that,
so you may as well just teach them your favourite quote from Dante's Inferno and tell them it's a joke, because they'll get just
as much joy out of it. And yet, despite this joke being terrible and making no sense, it's somehow ingrained in the DNA of every
man, woman, and child in America. Fuck you, chicken.
© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus