Sydlexia.com's Not Your Meal Ticket

On the forums, Syd recently posted an e-mail solicitation he received. Here is the letter he received, now with colour commentary!

Hello,
This is Charles, the Publicity Manager for [name removed]. Would you be interested in doing an article on [name removed], a Webby Award Honoree content producer? [name removed] just became a YouTube partner. Even before that, we were featured on the front page of almost every major web video site, including Revver, DailyMotion, and Bebo. And we've done all this inside of 2 years of our launch. We are a student driven company with a strong partnership with Indiana University.

First of all, I have removed the name of the website this guy was trying to advertise because the entire point of this entry is to not advertise the site. I don't think Charles is going to be publicity manager terribly long if he thinks publicity means "begging people to talk about you". Also, I might be in the minority on this one, but I have never heard of the three sites he mentions already being featured on. Considering I've never heard anyone mention any of those three sites, even in passing, at any point ever, I feel confident in saying that they aren't a big deal at all. Oh yeah, and if this guy had ever actually read any of the articles Syd wrote (as well as those written by myself and Valdronius), he'd realize that the site has never posted an article regarding another website; they're all about video games, TV shows, movies, and random shit in my parents' basement.

[name removed] takes a gritty and in your face approach to reviewing video games, and delivering unique and exclusive interviews with industry leaders. Currently we enjoy competitive visibility on most of the top video-sharing sites, giving us a monthly viewership over 100k. We also have our own website that hosts our nearly 200 unique videos as well at [name removed]. We produce two videos a week, all related to video games. We interview the biggest names in the business, we review the classics and the new releases, and we are always coming up with creative new show ideas. [name removed] is a company made up of passionate gamers that have taken their personal enjoyment for video games and turned it into a full time job. We always love talking about the latest industry buzz, and the whispered rumors of new games. Our production values are unparalleled in the web video community, as you will see when taking a look at our website. We now have well over a million views spread out across the internet, which will most likely double in the months to come once YouTube begins to feature our content. Our popularity continues to grow every month!

Penny-Arcade takes a funny and in your face approach to reviewing video games, and I think I prefer that to gritty. This guy keeps insisting that they interview the biggest names in the industry, but we'll find out if that's true or not later. I'm starting to think that this guy doesn't know the difference between videos and video games, however, because all he talks about is being featured on video sharing websites. Interestingly enough, this is a student driven company full of people who all use the company as a full time job. That means either he's probably lying and it's only a part-time job, as being a student would be the full time one. Oh, and I don't want to hear your review of classic games. I understand that writing articles about classic games is something that happens a lot on this website, but they're not really reviews. Reviews tend to end with some sort of numerical rating, whereas articles on Sydlexia.com end with a punchline...or a link back to the main page, depending on what you consider the end. It's much more likely that these reviews he speaks of are actual reviews though: the kind where some 17 year old kid tries to tell me that the original Super Mario Bros. sucked because it had poor graphics, unresponsive controls, and the same cutscene seven times in a row.

[name removed] has just returned from E3 with a huge wealth of interviews that we are currently editing and publishing as quickly as we can. You can also see some of our very latest work by following any of the following links:
Our E3 Interview with Fallout 3's Todd Howard
Our fun and funny Assassin's Creed dance mashup
Our Prototype interview with Eric Holmes
[name removed]'s 2nd gaming round table

I know one person who played Fallout 2 and zero people who played Fallout, a "dance mashup" isn't an interview, so dunno why that's even part of this list, I have no idea who Eric Holmes is, and there's no mention of anyone that appears on the gaming round table, unless it's just the site staff in which case whatever. Admittedly, I've always been much more into console gaming than computer gaming, but I'm pretty sure I still know most of the legitimately big names.

Below is a sampling of our monthly newsletter discussing recent interviews from GDC 08, and local press coverage that [name removed] has received as well. There is also a link to a Google page describing our programming overview and creative statement.
Puzzle Quest Galactrix: [name removed] presents an exclusive TJ Babcock video interview with Tim Ramage, Senior Producer for D3 Publisher covering their latest release in the Puzzle Quest series; Puzzle Quest Galactrix. Teaser gameplay footage and an insider look at new game features makes this video a must see for all gamers that loved the previous puzzle quest and are craving more.
flOw Development Team: [name removed] has a video interview with the flOw development team: Austin, Kellee, and Jenova. Winners of the 2007 Game Developers Choice Award For Best Downloadable Game! Congratulations to Kellee Santiago, Jenova Chen, Martin Middleton, Hao Cui, John Edwards, and Nick Clark for their hard work and accomplishments.
Daniel Kayser: TJ Babcock delivers another exclusive interview, this time with GT host Daniel Kayser. Learn Mr. Kayser's secret origin and hear his advice for up and coming video game internet tv hosts like us! We love every opportunity we get to speak with Daniel, and as you can see here he's a fantastically nice guy!
Stan Miskiewicz / Chronicles of Cohen: Jessica Frasher interviews Stan Miskiewicz, CEO of Blackpoint Studios and the creators of Chronicles of Cohen. Listen in on story concept and what makes the best part of this rock-em sock-em zombie huntin' game. Get the facts straight from the studio!
Chris Ansell: Jessica Frasher lands an interview with Chris Ansell Biz Dev for Radical Entertainment and key player on Prototype. Watch rare footage and get the full scoop on this killer game coming out later in the year.

I'm sure there's a Google page describing just about everything at this point, so whatever. Never heard of this Puzzle Quest series, so I'm unimpressed by an interview with the producer of the newest sequel. I thought flow sounded somewhat familiar so I did a quick search and found absolutely nothing, other than the video interview this e-mail talks about and a couple of pages that yahoo's search engine said contained viruses. That means that best downloadable game = newest Bejeweled clone, possible with a Trojan Horse included. No idea who Daniel Kayser is, and this interview doesn't even make sense. Advice on how to be a video game internet tv host? I don't think that was meant as an interview to post on your site, dumbass, I think he was giving you advice. Like, on how not to suck. Never heard of "Chronicles of Cohen", but based on the name and description, I think "Jews vs. Zombies" would be a much more marketable name for the game. Needless to say I have never heard of Chris Ansell either.

[here would be links to an article about them from some sort of "legitimate" news source, as well as the google link they mentioned. Again removed because this isn't the fucking gravy train.]
I believe we would make great subject matter for an article in your blog, so tell us what you think.

I think you suck. Oh yeah, and Syd doesn't really have a blog. There's the news section, but that's just site news, and then there's the list of articles. My subdomain was also only like two weeks old when this e-mail was received, so I really doubt they were talking about me, so I take this to be further proof that they didn't actually read any of the site.

...and remember, just like our catchphrase says: "We bring it to you first 'cause everyone else is dead!"
Thank you again for your time. We look forward to hearing back from you!

That's not a catchphrase. Bart Simpson never said "Like I always say, 'don't have a cow man'". A catchphrase is something that you just say a lot, so people associate it with you. This is either a slogan or a motto. It also doesn't matter, because it sucks. There's nothing funny or clever about it. Between this and the forum response, I doubt they look forward to hearing back.

The moral of this story? If you want people to advertise your website, offer them fucking money, don't just say "We're awesome! Write about us so we can steal your viewing audience!"

dr_jeebus@sydlexia.com

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