You should be familiar with these entries by now. Approximately 99% of all New Hampshire license plates are vanity plates, and as a result I've decided they need to pay me taxes because clearly they have too much fucking money. Sure, I've shared some amusing plates with you and we've had some laughs, but have you ever stopped to think about the people we're laughing at? Who are the people that would buy some of these plates? Join me now as we take a look Behind the Plates, only on VH1.

TASLHOF - This is a pretty obvious license plate. It belongs to the stripper daughter of David Hasselhoff.

BLK SLR - This one was a little trickier. At first I thought it belonged to a wholesaler, or some other sort of bulk seller. After looking a little more clearly, however, I noticed a Jolly Roger attached to the car's antenna, and a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you have scurvy!" So who is this black sailor, you ask? Well let me answer your question with another question: When was the last time you saw Sinbad do comedy?

DOWNKST - The driver of this car has no name. At least, no name beyond "henchman 27". This car clearly belongs to The Riddler, and was part of a deadly scavenger hunt, instructing The Goddamn Batman to go down K Street.

REBOWN - At first I thought this car belonged to some sort of gangsta that had recently found religion again. After a moment of thought, however, I realized it was far more likely that the license plate is telling us they were some sort of archer he spends a lot of time fixing broken bows. This could very well be the last living descendent of the one and only Robin Hood. Even though that story took place in England.

GO AWAY - For the record, when I saw this license plate I did not go away. In fact, I drove as close to the truck as I could so my girlfriend could get a good picture of the license plate, because we really couldn't believe it. The truck was also covered in military bumper stickers. The only logical conclusion? First Blood was a documentary and John Rambo is currently living in New Hampshire.

F1FIFTY - At first when I saw this plate I thought it said fififty, which made no sense. My girlfriend then corrected me and mentioned that that was also the model Ford he was driving, which made significantly more sense. This seems like a terrible idea, however. I also drive a Ford, but that doesn't mean I think I should have a license plate telling people what model car I drive, especially when they can figure that out by, I don't know, looking at the back of the car right next to the fucking plate. Besides, I'd probably be asking for trouble if my license plate said "ESCORT".

PILATEE - By far this was the hardest license plate to decipher. I think I figured it out though. Similar to words like "inductee", "lessee", or "refugee", the extra E in the plate means that the driver is someone who was pilated. As everyone already knows so there's absolutely no reason to fact check this unless you just want to be proven wrong anyway, the verb "to pilate" means to crucify someone. It comes from the Roman "Pontius Pilate", which translates literally as...well it was a guy's name so it doesn't translate as anything. What this means, however, is that the driver of the car is someone who has been crucified and lived to tell about it, albeit through their license plate. Unless you're some sort of blasphemer, you know there's only one person who's ever been crucified and lived to tell about it. That's right, this car was being driven by none other than Jesus Christ himself. God exists, and he's American.

There you have it! I assure you that everything I've written is 100% accurate. Anyone you thought was a fictional character is alive and well in New Hampshire. Also, you're going to Hell because you thought of Jesus as a fictional character.

dr_jeebus@sydlexia.com

He suggested I change my motto to "Semper Fudge". He then told me to "relax".

© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus