Paperboy for the NES: Bullshit Liberal Propaganda

Facism at its finest
If you had a childhood, then you probably played Paperboy at one point or another. In fact, you probably loved the game, because you could relate to it. After all, the character rode a bike, and you knew how to ride a bike! Maybe you didn't have to dodge dogs, automatic lawnmowers, Death, and very, very localized tornados, but you knew how to ride a bike, God damnit! What none of us could realize in our childlike innocence, however is that Paperboy was to liberal propaganda what Joe Camel was to cigarettes. They took something that could have been fun and entertaining for children and perverted it for their own twisted agenda. SAT committee, I demand that you put my fucking analogy on next year's exam.

These houses are good These houses are bad
Look familiar? Those are the two different types of houses you deliver to. There are blue houses, and there are red houses. "Coincidentally", those are the two colours associated with the Democratic and Republican parties. This is sending a lot of different messages, all of which are bad. First of all, the houses you're supposed to deliver to are the blue houses. Blue is good, red is bad. That's the message that they want children to know. Children don't necessarily have to understand the ideology behind either of these houses or why they think they do, all they have to know is that one is good and one is bad. Technically, the statement is even more bold. Not only is red, or conservatism bad, but not all the houses you deliver to are blue. Some are yellow, white, and probably other light, non-red colours. So what the game is trying to tell you is that even if you don't choose to be a Democrat, there are all sorts of ridiculous third parties available to you; just remember that red is bad. The other thing of importance here is that you're not delivering to the red houses, only the blue ones. Sure, you may think that's just the mechanic of the game, a means to incorporate some sort of win/lose mechanic into the game beyond just letting you crash into stuff. Well I too was a child once, and I too fell for this ploy. What they're really saying, however, is that Republicans are ignorant and uninformed. They are completely without knowledge, and are so bullheaded that even if you deliver a paper to a red house they won't hire you to deliver to them because they condemn the blasphemous "information" that you hurl recklessly at their front door, mailbox, or possibly at the headstones that are inexplicably on their front lawn. That's right, conservatives bury people in their front yard.

You call that news?
Here is the paper that you delivered to all your loyal customers. What the fuck is that? You call that news? It's just like liberals to dodge the issues; this publication is nothing but pandering to their audience. The top story in the paper is "person does his fucking job like he's supposed to". "Hero Paperboy Stops Thief!"? Sure he stopped the thief, but does the article mention that he did it by destroying a newspaper that someone else paid for? It's just like liberals to congratulate themselves for wasting YOUR money. And what is this "mysterious vandalism" they're talking about? Rather than accept responsibility for their own misdeeds, these supposed "journalists" would rather pass the blame, trying to direct attention to the alleged ineptitude of law enforcement. It's time to man up and stop trying to fool the people by pointing fingers; we all know who knocked over those trash cans and broke those windows.

One house two house red house blue house
It's just like a map of the United States, divided into red states and blue states. Amazingly, all it takes is for you to fail to deliver this brainwashing propaganda for one day and they turn to the side of reason. Keep shoveling your slanderous tripe, paperboy. You'll slip up sooner or later, and when you fail to deliver that paper people will see you for what you really are. No go run an obstacle course for no discernable reason.

All the muck that's fit to rake!

© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus