Last Saturday, my girlfriend and I went to see Eagle Eye. No, that is not the movie I'm talking about in the title of this article,
but it helped spawn my idea. Also, the following contains spoilers, so if you wanted to see Eagle Eye, you might not want to read it.
However, if you wanted to see it, I'll save you the time by saying it's pretty bad. Anyway, the movie is essentially I, Robot (The Will
Smith movie, not the actual book). In I, Robot, a giant computer decides it needs to basically declare robot martial law to protect humans,
but tries to make the transition without harming any humans. Eagle Eye is the same premise warped into some paranoid fantasy about
the government spying on every single thing you do and trying to murder people so it can enact a regime change. The plot is total
bullshit and makes no sense, but it still manages to be needlessly left wing. Honestly, I can't take that anymore. I'm sick of movies like
this, Jarhead, Stop Loss, and other hippie bullshit trying to tell me how evil our government is and how terrible the military is. If
the fucking liberals want to get something done, maybe they should stop smoking weed and playing hacky-sack. Besides, not only does
being high make it harder to debate your conservative counterparts, but no one's going to vote for a bill after you tack on a "National
Doritos and Twinkies Day" addendum. I've discussed this with my friends before, but I've decided it's finally time for me to make a movie
to combat the blatant liberal propaganda of Hollywood that is poisoning the youth of America. It's time for America to learn that
they need to love our government and technology, and that our enemies are all godless, pedophilic cannibals. Dark Maze studios, you have
first crack and buying my script, but without further ado, I present to you the greatest pro-war movie ever.
America's youth are turning into a bunch of liberal pussies, so they can't get behind a war movie if the enemy is simply terrorists, or some Middle Eastern
nation. The antagonist in a movie like this is crucial, as it is incredibly important to be able to have something so universally evil
that no American, no matter how big a paranoid conspiracy retard they are, can possibly defend.
Fade in. You see a small band of Arab terrorists, being led by Bin Laden, journeying through the rainforests of South America. They're
speaking in their native language, and there's no need for subtitles as knowing what they're saying will make it less ominous. Bin Laden
is wielding a machete to clear a path through the dense foliage, but the knife is inexplicably covered with fresh, dropping blood. There's
no need to ever find out why, but it's more ominous of you get the sense they've just senselessly murdered a pack of orphaned baby rabbits, or whatever
the fuck lives in the rain forest. They finally reach their destination, a mausoleum, and start talking more loudly, almost yelling. Bin Laden sends
one of his goons in who immediately triggers a trap and dies. Bin Laden then enters the stone structure and emerges with the treasure the seek. He holds the object
above his head like the holy grail of evil, and the camera zooms in to reveal that it is a jar containing Hitler's brain. Fade out,
If you don't run out to enlist after that scene, just wait for what's to come. Bin Laden will clone an entire army of Hitlers to do his terrorist bidding
and try to destroy America. What could possibly stop an entire army of Hitlers? Sorry, Syd, but the answer is not zombie Reagan. To
win back America's youth, we need the most patriotic thing that exists, as well as something to restore their faith in technology. That means
whatever it is has to be robotic. Luckily for America, the most patriotic thing that exists also happens to appeal to the same demographic
that these crappy anti-war movies appeal to.
So picture, if you will, an a battalion of Hitlers marching towards the White House. Civilians are lining the streets, mothers holding their children in their arms in terror
as row after row of finely trimmed moustaches goose step by. The military is no where to be seen, and it looks as though all is lost. Cut to a wide shot
of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, showing the White House from outside the gate, then pan back to see the Hitlers less than a block from the gate. But wait,
it looks like there's something on the horizon! Seemingly out of no where, diving down through the clouds as if they were being sent by
God himself, a legion of giant, robotic American bald eagles race towards the Hitlers at breakneck speed. The Hitlers are ordered to stand their
ground and they don't seem phased by the approaching avian threat. Until, that is, the robotic birds get close enough for both the Hitlers and you, the viewer,
to see what is atop the eagles. Standing triumphantly atop each robotic American bald eagle is a robotic Stephen Colbert, armed with a machine gun on its back,
a rocket launcher in its hands, and a pocket full of dreams. At one point during this epic battle, the giant robotic eagles will open up their chests and let fly
wave after wave of smaller robotic eagles. There will then be a wonderful shot of a robotic bald eagle ripping the eyes out of an evil
Hitler clone.
Not if that isn't America, I don't know what is.
I accept your challenge, you liberal creampuff!
© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus