=
=
Much like Rihanna, Princess Peach has some serious codependency issues. It's no accident that she keeps getting kidnapped by Bowser
again and again. I mean, no one can be kidnapped that many times by accident, it's not really possible. The extent of Princess Peach's
need to be with Bowser is staggering, and even quite frightening, and over the course of this article I'd like to show just how
deep this problem goes, as well as try to explain why Peach may keep allowing herself to be "kidnapped".
I should point out that the similarities between Peach and Riahnna don't end with codependency issues. Afterall, Peach is quite known for having an umbrella-ella-ela with her at all times. While I can't know for certain if there's a corelation between having an umbrella and being codependent, I'm going to pretend that there is.
Here we see the end of the original Super Mario Bors. as well as the end of the Lost Levels. You'll note that they're pretty much identical. The more important thing here is what she's actually saying however: Peach is basically telling Mario to fuck off because she's going to stay in the castle while he goes through all those trials again. She's allegedly been captured from her own castle in the Mushroom Kingdom and is being help prisoner, and yet she'd rather stay there than be freed. It's also a little suspicious that exactly seven toadstools were also kidnapped and that exactly one was left in each of Bowser's smaller castlers. It's like they all plotted together just to fuck with you!
This letter you receive from Princess Peach is the beginning of Mario 64. Princess Peach has promised to bake you a cake, so you go visit the castle. However, when you arrive at the castle the Princess has been kidnapped again. How the fuck was she captured though? She was in the fucking kitchen baking a cake. Doesn't the castle have guards? The castle, as you see it, shows absolutely no signs of a struggle. Bowser has a huge fucking army, and yet there are no dead bodies from either side laying around the castle. There are no busted down doors either; in fact, all the doors are still locked! This seems like an awful voluntary kidnapping to me. And speaking of letters, in Mario Galaxy you receive letters from Princess Peach with 1-Ups in them. What sort of tyrannical monarch lets his captives send letters to people that are trying to rescue them? Furthermore, why would he let her include 1-Ups in the letter? She can't be under a very heavy guard if she's sending priority packages off to her homeland.
Something is clearly suspicious about all this. Why does Peach keep letting herself be held captive? The answer is surprisingly simple: Peach and Bowser are totally fucking.
On the left we see Bowser Jr. He is clearly the son of Bowser and another monstrous turtle like creature. What about the other seven Koopa Kids, however? They look quite different from Bowser and Bowser Jr. You might say that look surprisingly...human. The original seven Koopa Kids are the offspring of Bowser and Peach. At one point, Princess Peach was quoted in "The Mushroom Gazette" as saying that under his giant, spikey shell Bowser was "A big, cuddly teddy bear". Of course, there was a bit of a falling out involving the courts and it was deemed that Bowser was far more fit to be a parent than Peach. Afterall, Bowser is a king with an empire of people to help him look after his children. Peach, while technically a princess, is just some whore who was caught by the paparazzi cavorting with greasy, Italian plumbers. She's more of a figure head like the royalty of Great Britain. In the beginning, this is why Peach kept letting herself get kidnapped. It was a way to see the kids, plus if she kept making a big enough stink about it and had Mario keep saving her, the hope was that the media would take notice of it and show Bowser to be an unfit parent. The kids have since grown up, however, and they all moved to Europe, away from the constant bickering of their parents, so they could live as artists. When all your kids are named after musicians, what else are they going to do?
So now that the kids are out of the equation, why would Peach going back to Bowser? It's hard to say why people let themselves keep falling back into bad relationships. There is one answer that comes to mind, however. Bowser is a king with total authority over his subjects and nearly empty coffers. Mario is a fat, greasy plumber living in a world of magic pipes that couldn't possibly ever break. Basically, Bowser can make it rain, and Mario can't even make it drizzle.
We can hope that someday Peach will learn to break the cycle of violence and become her own person, but for now we'll have to settle for following Mario as he tries to rescue Princess Peach again and again, each time in a new and sexy location.
Dr. Jeebus : Morris Day :: Syd Lexia : Jerome Benton
© 2009 by Dr. Jeebus