Get Your Laws Off Of My Peanut Butter!

When you think of school lunch, what do you think of? Well if you're thinking of lunch that's bought in the school, you're probably thinking of barely edible slices of pizza. If you're thinking of the kids who bring their lunches, however, I'll wager dollars to donuts that you thought of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...if for no other reason than peanut butter is in the title of this entry. Anyway, peanut butter and jelly is not only the quintessential kid food, it's the quintessential school lunch food as well. Well I have a travesty to share with you all. In the town where I grew up, peanuts have been banned. That's right, not only is the school banned from selling any food with peanuts, but students aren't even allowed to bring in their own peanut butter or peanut products to eat. This has been going on for years now.

So how did this all happen? The story goes that a teacher was grading papers on her lunch break while eating peanut butter cookies, and when she handed the papers back after lunch one of the students nearly died from an allergic reaction. Because of this one student, no one in any of the public school in the entire town has been allowed to have a peanut in school, and that's fucking bullshit. So there's ONE student that is allergic, big deal? They should be carrying around an epi pen with them so they don't die. And when is it ever proper to bend to the will of a single person? There are Americans who are allergic to bees, so should we band together to eradicate bees from this entire country, with the exception of a few contained exhibits in zoos to keep them from becoming extinct? No, you fucking deal with it.

By contrast, when I went to high school there was a student who was severely asthmatic. Even the smell of smoke could send him into a fit that resulted in him needing to pull a fire alarm so he could get medical attention as fast as possible. Did the school ever outlaw smoking because of this? Well technically smoking wasn't allowed anyway, but they did nothing to try to stop it. To allegedly curb the smoking problem in the school, all of the bathrooms in the school were locked except for one boys room and one girls room which were both located directly across the hall from the guidance department, and about 50 feet from the main office. Of course, this did nothing as they never bothered to monitor the bathrooms. Even though this student was pulling fire alarms multiple times a week, faculty couldn't be bothered to walk ten fucking feet to stop people from smoking.

The situation is so bad that you can't even enjoy food that looks like peanut butter. One of Kris Lexia's friends had a Gnutella and jelly sandwich for lunch, and the suspicious sandwich was confiscated and the student disciplined. Talk about a fucking witch hunt, we're going to discipline children who look like they might be violating a rule that shouldn't exist in the first place even after we discover that they're not violating the rule? It's not the kid brought a realistic looking toy gun to school to cause hysteria, they were having a fucking sandwich.

So if you happen to be a part of this school system in question, well you're probably too young to be reading my blog. But if you are reading it anyway, bring candy to school. If I was still in high school, I would be eating a Baby Ruth bar or some Reese's cups every class, and if a teacher tried to take it away I'd tell them to go fuck themselves. I suggest you all do the same. And if you're reading this and not part of the school system? Well go have some peanuts or peanut butter anyway to celebrate your freedom as an American.

Yes, I really did mouth off to my teachers

© 2009 by Dr. Jeebus