When I first heard of this movie, I thought it was a joke, but when I saw it at Blockbuster I knew we had to rent it. The premise of the movie is simple: the main character is a girl with a rare, pretty much mythological condition known as "vagina dentata", meaning "toothed vagina". This girl also happens to be the most unfortunate girl ever. The movie begins with her as a kid in the pool with her mother's boyfriend's son. Long story short, he tries to finger her and her vagina bites him. Needless to say, the parents wind up getting married.
We now flash to present day where the girl is a warrior for abstinence. She also probably has a name, but I don't care so you're going
to have to deal with my vague pronouns. She meets some super dreamy abstinent boy, and they and two of her other friends start double dating.
At this point, the movie becomes very surreal. Because they're supposed to be abstinent, it starts playing horror movie music anytime
they talk about even wanting to make out. She and her boyfriend wind up in the some sort of teenage sex den behind a waterfall. There
are no other people there, but there's a mattress that has clearly been used, and not just for hiding money. At this point the boy reveals that,
like all abstinent boys, he's actually a rapist.
This is where thing start to get ridiculous. Sure a toothed vagina is weird, but that's the entire basis for the movie, so I can handle that. This teenage
boy who has had sex only one other time, however, is willing to rape this girl. I believe she actually gets knocked out and wakes up
to see him fucking her while repeating "It's okay, you're still a virgin in His eyes." She becomes horrified very quickly, and her vagina
bites his dick clean off. She kinda freaks, but swims back to the car and drives off. Later we find out the guy is dead, and I think we see a snapping turtle or
something eating his penis.
The girl is now completely freaked out, so she starts researching to figure out what the fuck is wrong with her. What might be wrong with
her is that she's actually never been to a gynecologist, despite being in high school. I'm not entirely sure how this works, seeing as I'm
not a girl and all, but I thought you had to start going to a gyno as soon as you got your period. Even if that's not the case, if I had
a bloodthirsty vagina I'd probably want to get it checked out...that or teach it to sing, because every time her vagina started attacking
all I could think of was Audrey II from "Little Shop of Horrors" going "Feeeeeeeeed me!" Anyway, she goes to the doctor, and wouldn't you believe it?
She's so unlucky that this happened:
That's right, her very first trip to the gyno, and he's trying to rape her. He quickly winds up minus four fingers though, and she runs off freaking out while the doctor yells "vagina dentata" over and over again; his yelling sounds a lot like Timon and Poomba from "The Lion King". The girl goes to her house to talk to her Mom, and her asshole brother is fucking his girlfriend with the door open. I should probably mention his brother is completely fucked up, wants to bone her, and will only fuck his girlfriend in the ass because of what happened when he was a kid. Anyway, she finally finds her mother passed out, and gets her taken to the hospital. The girl is pretty much catatonic at this point, and goes to find the one guy she can talk to, which is some random guy who is trying to bang her, but seemed kinda nice. She takes a bath at his place, and the guy gives her some pills that his mom takes or something. The details aren't that important, because obviously he's trying to fuck her. She falls asleep in his bed and wakes up to find him using a vibrator on her. She wants to have sex, but is afraid of the teeth and such, but he says it's all good so they go for it, and it turns out she enjoys it. The fuck and go back to sleep. She waves up to go turn herself in for the murder of the first boy, who it turns out bled to death, and the guy gets her into bed again first. His phone rings while they're having sex, and he answers it. Turns out he had a bet with another guy that he'd bang her, and now she's pissed, so she clamps down and bites the dude's penis off. That's right, every dude this girl has ever met has been a cunt. At this point, now that we see she has control over the teeth, it seems like it's actually the next step in female evolution. Every woman should probably have this defense system against rape.
The girls goes to the hospital to see her mother, and it turns out she died during the night. The girl then finds out that her asshole brother heard her mom pass out and didn't do anything, so now she's pissed so she decides to take action.
Here we see the result of her seducing her brother. This scene is pretty gross, but it results in her brother losing his penis and it being eaten by his pet dog. Gross.
So what's left for the girl with the killer vagina who's never met a decent man in her life? Does she become some sort of feminist superhero? Does she finally meet the man of her dreams? What road through life does she decide to take? The one she can hitch hike down, of course! It doesn't take long for someone to pick her up and be willing to drive her until nightfall.
I'll let you guess how this ends.
Vagina dentata, what a wonderful phrase
© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus