Dr. Jeebus's Guide To Not Getting a Shitty Tip

I'm usually a good tipper when I go out to eat. I don't ask for much, just my food and refills on my drink. Unfortunately, I had to leave a bad tip on Saturday, so for any of you waiters or waitresses out there, here are some simple tips on how to avoid getting a shitty tip:

Don't throw the guy paying under the bus: When the waitress come to our table to see if we were ready to order, I asked my girlfriend if she had decided, cause she had been stuck between two things. She paused for a minute and then said she was, but the waitress said "You don't have to rush if you're not worried. He may be trying to rush you, but I'm not". Really? I'm the one who's going to be writing your tip at the end of this and you're going to try to make me come off as a jerk? Probably not a good idea.

You have more than one table: Don't sit down at a table and start having a long conversation with the customers just because they may be friendlier than your other tables. Especially don't do this if your other tables can all see you fucking sitting there and talking instead of helping them.

If you say you're going to do something, do it: Our waitress took my empty glass and said she would bring both of us refills on our drinks. It took almost ten minutes for her to come back with my refill, and even longer for her to come back with my girlfriend's.

Don't question our decisions: At the end of the meal, as always happens, we were asked if we wanted dessert and answered no. The waitress then said something like "Are you sure? They're really good!". Oh, they are? Well I WAS so full I'd throw up if I ate any more, but since you asked me the same question twice in a row, clearly my answer should be different this time.

I would think these are pretty obvious things, but apparently not since they resulted in a pretty poor tip. So if you're reading this and you're a waiter, I hoped you just learned something. And remember, if you get a shitty tip it's probably not because they're cheap, it's because you suck.


If it wasn't right the first time, it's not gonna be right the next 20 times

© 2009 by Dr. Jeebus