Do you love reality television, but find it just too confusing to watch? Are all the different "plots" and "characters" too much for you to keep track of? Well then VH1 is the channel for you.
It all began with "Flavor of Love", starring Flava Flav. I mean, it had to; after all, VH1 is a music channel. In "Flavor of Love", a bunch
of ugly, desperate whores actually competed for the chance to be with Flava Flav. I'm sure the man's still got money, but for fuck's sake will
you look at that little troll? The thought of girls fighting over him is enough to make me vomit. Ironically, that pile of vomit would
most likely be both taller and more attractive than Flava Flav. The entire show was like a sleazier version of "The Bachelor", and it
was a train wreck. It did have a break out "star", however. Her name was New York.
Kinda. You see, Flava Flav wanted to find a woman to marry, but he couldn't be bothered to learn her real name. As a result, he gave all the
girls nicknames based on whatever the fuck he felt like. On the reunion show for "Flavor of Love 3", he would then go on to propose to his
baby momma, who accepted his proposal. He promptly gave her the nickname "Bitch, make me a sandwich". Anyway, one of the prostitutes that
VH1 bought him was nicknamed New York. Her real name was Tiffany something or other, it doesn't really matter. She was such an outrageously
annoying and psychotic bitch, that she got her own show, "I Love New York".
At around the same time, Bret Michaels got a show called "Rock of Love". Because they're a music station. You probably forgot there for a minute,
so I'll periodically remind you. Considering I saw Poison live as recently as two or three years ago, I find it hard to believe that Bret Michaels
really needs help getting laid. Of course, by being on "Rock of Love" he was able to get a paycheck and fuck a bunch of trashy sluts, but this
time he didn't even have to bother performing. As an artist, what other choice could he make? The highlight of the show was when the remaining like
four girls or so got to have their parents over, and one girl's father confronted Bret for apparently being fellated nightly by his daughter.
Sadly, there was no fight. Bret simply wrote a check to the girl's pimp, I mean father, for services rendered, and that was that. At least I think
that's what happened. Maybe they used words to solve their problems. I don't care.
Now that VH1 had developed a history of these reality shows in which a bunch of idiots try to date celebrities (or New York), they no
longer needed to find real celebrities! "I Love New York" was successful enough to get a sequel, and the gears were set in motion. If you
wanted your own celebrity dating show, you didn't need to be a celebrity; all you needed to do was get on one of their other celebrity dating shows
which may or may not have had a celebrity to begin with. What the fuck am I talking about, do you ask? It's simple.
New York is not a celebrity. Aside from reality TV, she had about ten seconds of face time and one line in the recent movie "First Sunday". As a side note,
for a movie starring both Tracy Morgan and Katt Williams, "First Sunday" focused a lot more on being heart warming than being funny, which was
a little bit of a disappointment. Anyway, as you would expect, her show was a bunch of severely desperate guys who wanted nothing more than
to get on TV. Strangely, the show had two brothers who were nicknamed Chance and Real. Because VH1 is a music station. I know that has nothing to
do with their nicknames, but even I almost forgot at this point. Why two brothers who get along would go on national television to fight
over the same unattractive woman is beyond me, but they did.
Chance and Real weren't particularly interesting "characters", but I guess fans of the show thought they were great, because now they're
getting their own show, "Real Chance at Love". There is also a show coming out starring one of the girls from Rock of Love. The show is called
"Daisy of Love" because the Chinese restaurant that normally delivers to VH1's meeting room was closed so the team that was supposed to come up with a name for the show said "fuck it"
and left work early. And from these shows will spawn more dating shows and more dating shows and more dating shows. The shows can be
made practically for free because there's no scripts, no actors, and unlike many other reality shows, no cash prize. Because VH1 is a music channel.
Actually, it's because there simply does not exist any more programming about 80's that they can possibly air, so they were out of ideas.
You might be wondering who VH1's target audience is, and I know the answer to that. They had another show called "I Love Money". It had a bunch of
people who failed to win the hearts of...whoever, but were clearly only in it for money and TV time. On the show Real proposed to some
girl named Hoopz. And yes, I feel like a fucking idiot for calling people these names, but I don't actually care to know they're real names.
The question arose during the game if he could focus on love and money at the same time, and he was eliminated as a result. Last night the reunion show
aired, and when posed that question he said "I'm good at multitasking", which got a surprising amount of applause. Those people are the
target audience of this show. Anyone who would hear the word "multitasking" and suddenly applaud and yell "WHOOO!!!! Way to walk and
chew bubble game at the same time!" without it being a joke is exactly the sort of person that VH1 wants to tune in to their prime time
programming. Because VH1 is a music channel.
I only call you "bitches" because I do not know all your names individually
© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus