Vote For Dr. Jeebus in 2020

That's right, 2020 is the first election year I will be legally old enough to be president, and electing me is the right thing to do. Not just for me, but for America. Even if I don't win the election, voting for me in the primaries will be doing a great service to America. Why you ask? Because I will make the presidential debates the most interesting that this nation has ever seen. Here's just some of the things you can look forward to:

At some point during the debate process, I would completely disregard the moderator and his questions. It's nice to have someone there to provide jumping off points and such, but the format of the debates where a question is asked, someone has like 60 seconds to talk and the other has 30 seconds (Or whatever the time limits are) to rebutt, and then they move on. That's hardly a debate. I would tell the moderator that, with all due respect, I'm not there to talk to him or her and try to actually engage in a legitimate debate with my opponent.

Also, I'm not sure if you've ever seen televised congress sessions, but they're boring as fuck. There's no passion or excitement like in, say, British parliament. Every time I've seen parliament televised there's all sorts of yelling, name calling, and I'm pretty sure I saw someone throw a punch. That's the sort of excitement and energy we need in our government. We need people representing us who actually care about these issues as much as we do, and are willing to get in someone's face about it. As such, I would make sure to throw my podium in at least one debate, if not all of them. I wouldn't be throwing it AT my opponent, of course. I wouldn't be throwing it at anyone, actually, just in the general direction of off stage.

Finally, if I actually respected my opponent and thought they would make a good president, during one of the debates I would wait until they said something that was clearly really good and there was no way to argue against, and then I would just offer for them to be my running mate. I can't imagine they'd ever accept, but I assume the crowd reaction would be akin to Hulk Hogan lifting Andre the Giant. Of course, I intend to pick a vice president that I actually respect and can leave in charge when I'm unavailable like on my anniversary and things like that, cause fucked if I'll be working then, so this person would have to meet that qualification. I know it's an odd departure from getting some old guy I've never met as my VP to take care of the cries that I lack experience or something, but asking the other party's candidate to be my running mate would hopefully make it clear that I have absolutely no intention of being any party's whipping boy.

Of course, I have actual policy ideas too, but for now I'll leave you with spectacle.

President Ford was devoured by wolves today. He was delicious.

© 2009 by Dr. Jeebus