For weeks now, Twitter and Magic sites have been all about dating instead of Magic. Geordie Tait and Darwin Kastle tried their hardest to get you laid, but everyone is still talking about dating instead of new Magic tech, so clearly they have failed. And so it falls on me. But fear not, faithful reader, because the doctor is in. So grab your latest PTQ brew, your sports coat, and, of course, plenty of condoms: you’re about to be up to your waist in hot Magic player snatch.

The Introduction

A good first impression can have her panties wet before you’ve finished resolving mulligans (Which will also help you win, as though you were gonna lose to a girl anyway), so you have to bring your A game. Everyone knows that no girl ever has decided on her own to play Magic. They simply lack the intellect and drive to, and that’s okay. It’s obvious that the female opponent sitting across from you was taught to play by a past or current boyfriend. However, you need to operate under the assumption that she is single. Any reference you make to her potentially having a boyfriend is going to make her think that you’re not interested. As such, instead of following your instinct and asking “Are you here with your boyfriend?”, instead you should try asking her “So, are you here with your son?”

This introduction serves a couple purposes. First, by telling her that you could see her as a mother it shows that you find her to be mature and sophisticated, things that all women like. Also, by showing her that you’d be sexually attracted to someone who was old enough to have a Magic playing child it says to her “I may have this creepy beard, but I’m not ACTUALLY a pedophile.”

Everything I Need to Know About Dating a Magic Player I Learned from Master Thief

As the flavour text for Master Thief says, “Possession is ten-tenths of the law.” Darwin started to hint at this, but he said it was a “moral gray area.” Know what? That’s loser talk. Magic players should only date other Magic players, because Magic is an all consuming hobby and the only thing either of you should have time for aside from sex and MAYBE a real job. And Hot Pockets. Lots and lots of Hot Pockets. It’s a well known fact, however, that all female Magic players are dating someone, so you’re going to need to steal someone’s girlfriend. If you can’t be comfortable with that then you don’t deserve to have a girlfriend.

How do you go about stealing someone’s girlfriend? Well you’ve already got their juices flowing with your introduction, so you’re well on your way. During the course of your match with your future fuck toy, you should be sure to flirt using lots of graphic, sexually explicit comments. It’s also important to maintain eye contact with her at all times. Never break eye contact for even a second. Showing this sort of interest will not only make her more comfortable with you, it will let he know that you’re interested in the things she has to say and will be a great listener when she comes home from the beauty parlor and wants to tell you all the gossip she heard.

Except For the Stuff I Learned From Mike Long

It’s okay to cheat, even if everyone is staring right at you while you do it. You’ve won over one girl, and she’s graduated from playing in tournaments to following you around as a cheerleader. Does this mean you shouldn’t steal another guy’s girlfriend right in front of her? Absolutely not! I mean, you already did it with her, so she should’ve known this would happen. Besides, this will only make your first girlfriend even more attracted to you. After all, if other girls are willing to spread their legs for you then you must be pretty damn hot. Having a girlfriend with you will also make it even easier to attract more girls because girls are all catty bitches who have no desires in life besides being artists, photographers, and being hotter than every other girl they meet.

Be Excellent. OR ELSE.

Now that you’ve won over a whole squad of cheerleaders to follow you around at tournaments, it’s time to keep them happy. As has been mentioned, a good way is to take them out to an nice restaurant or for drinks after you win a big event. This will make them equate their happiness with your winning, because once a girl is in a relationship her happiness should revolve solely around you anyway. But how do you remain excellent?

A good way to remain excellent is to beat your girlfriend when you perform poorly in a tournament. She’s already associated you winning tournaments with being happy and celebrating, so it’s time to make her associate you losing tournaments with physical pain. Not only will she cheer extra hard for you at events, she may even be willing to flash your opponent or give them a hand job to distract them while you draw extra cards. This increased desire to see her man win also means you’ll have not only a relationship partner, but a playtesting partner who is available for you 24/7. She can’t afford to see you lose, so if that means replacing foreplay with a few quick practice games and replacing pillow talk with discussing your new brew, then so be it.

It’s also good to note that beating your girlfriend is a good way to next level your competition. All those guys that had been trying to steal her from you at previous events will now find her scars and black eyes to be unsightly, and they will move on to fight over other girls. Suckers.

It’s The Little Things That Count

We’ve covered a lot of the important things already, but I figured I’d throw out a few extra pieces of advice just in case you still are having trouble with the ladies:

• Be condescending – Girls like confidence in guys. Being condescending to them is a good way to show your confidence in yourself as well as showing them that they have found a truly superior mate.

• Be the alpha male – Much like in the wild, if someone tries to encroach on your territory you are well within your rights to kill them. Seeing her man take down a challenger will make a woman bend over and present herself immediately. Just remember, you MUST kill them with your bare hands to demonstrate your superiority. If you use a weapon then you’re just some scary murderer she won’t want to date anymore.
• Dress to unimpress – If you show up to a Grand Prix wearing a tuxedo and try to win a girl over, she’ll think you’re trying too hard. Instead, I recommend sleeping in your clothes from the day before and showing up to the tournament without showering. She’ll instantly be interested in any guy that comes up to talk to her that is so disinterested in how he looks; clearly he must not need to even try to get a girl into bed!
• Whip it out – Much like a newborn’s instinct to latch onto a nipple for feeding, all girls have the natural instinct to just start sucking any hard cock that is put in front of their face. This may not get her to be your girlfriend, but it will attract the attention of all the other girls in the room who will be wondering “Why was she lucky enough to get this cock, and what do I have to do to get his attention instead?” WARNING: If you are well endowed, make sure that when she gags it isn’t your cards she throws up on.
• Entrapment – If you start to fear that your girlfriend is going to succumb to the woos of another Magic player, put a baby in her. You may need to poke holes in your condoms or replace her birth control pills with sugar candy, but once you do she’ll never be able to undo it. Unless she’s some sort of sinner.

You are now equipped with all the knowledge you need to go forth into the Magic tournament scene and find some PYT to bring home with you. Go forth into the world and spread your seed!