Thanks to the magic of digital cable, I can flip through a guide and see what’s on like 300 channels in the span of about 15 seconds. It’s a vast improvement over TV Guide or that God damn, slow scrolling preview channel from when I was a kid. What I have learned from being able to always know what’s on every channel is that “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” is on a lot. Like every day. And not that piece of shit “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” with Johnny Depp, the real movie with Gene Wilder. One of the many, many times I saw Willy Wonka on the guide I decided to flip it on. The real beauty behind this movie being on TV so much is that it would NEVER get made these days. You’re probably wondering why. Is it because of Gene Wilder’s Tourette’s-like rant about fizzy lifting drink? The implied child murder? Nah, that stuff is all fine. The problem is that 1971 was a brutal, savage time before adults realized they could blame anything and everything on society. Here is an excerpt from the song the Oompa Loompa’s sing after Veruca Salt falls down the garbage chute:

What the fuck? Those faggoty little midgets just blew my fucking mind. It’s the parents’ fault that their kid is an obnoxious little shit? How is it possible that this concept was so simple and accepted that it could show up in a kids movie in 1971, but now, almost 40 years later, it’s unheard of to even breath something to this effect. These days, a child’s bad behavior is the school systems fault, or society’s fault, or the kid’s friends’ fault. Everyone gets blamed except for the parents these days, and it’s fucking ludicrous. That song verse is so concise, simple, and most importantly, accurate. It’s not even like giving a child discipline is hard! They’re small and weak, so it won’t take much effort to kick your kid’s ass, and they can’t fight back! I’m trying to think of something funny to say so leave you all with, but this sort of spineless bullshit is becoming omnipresent in America, and this lack of personal responsibility is going to destroy the country; it’s too infuriating to be funny.

If I ever run for office, this will be my campaign song.

The snozzberries taste like snozzberries!

© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus

The year was nineteen dickity-two. We had to say dickity because the Kaiser had stolen our word for twenty. I chased him to get it back, but gave up after dickity-six miles…

No wait, this is a real story, and it took place earlier this year. There’s a mall in this area with both a movie theater, and a really nice Italian restaurant. We’ll call this restaurant “Vinny T’s”, so it can retain its anonymity. I had just had a great dinner there, and wanted to take a leak before driving home. I know that SOMEWHERE in the mall is a bathroom that is unaffiliated with any of its many stores, but fucked if anyone knows where that is, so I just went to use the bathroom in the movie theater. Hopefully I don’t need to explain basic life functions to any of you, so we’ll skip to the part where I go wash my hands. Admittedly, I had a couple drinks at dinner which might explain why I did this, but while waiting for one of those goddamn hot air blowing hand dryer thingies to dry my hands, I counted how many sinks there were. There were very literally two dozen sinks in this bathroom, so there was no real danger of it being too crowded for simple hygiene. So I’m there drying my hands, and I make a few observations:

1. As I said, there are 24 sinks
2. There is a steady flow of people in and out of the bathroom
3. Only one other person besides myself is washing his hands
4. Half the guys in the restroom stopped, not to wash their hands, but to check their hair in the mirror
5. Half of THOSE guys were wearing hats

It’s the sort of shit I’m not creative enough to make up on my own. Now movies are a big date destination, so I can understand this behavior. If a guy spends too long in the bathroom and his date has to wait for him, clearly she’s going to start to worry that he’s sodomizing another guy. With time being of the essence, these men have to choose between fixing their hair and washing their hands. Now you’re probably thinking that messed up hair would be a lot less of a turn off than the possible stench of urine on one’s hands, but if she’s going to be worrying about the aforementioned sodomy, no guy can risk walking out of the restroom with his hair looking like he was just tossed around a bathroom stall like a rag doll. Besides, all the stereotypical movie foods like popcorn, nachos, and candy may be things you eat with your hands, but urine is sterile. Gross, but sterile.

So remember, next time you’re in a public restroom be sure to wash your hands, because someone’s probably watching you.
I mean an actual person, not like…God is watching you
Although he probably is too, but people were filthy back when Jesus was alive, so he’s probably cool with it
Then again they do say cleanliness is next to Godliness…

Ever seen a sandwich that could take a bite out of you?
© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus