That’s Your Policy, Not Mine!

“I never once washed my hands! That’s your policy, not mine!” – Abraham “Grandpa” Simpson

The year was nineteen dickity-two. We had to say dickity because the Kaiser had stolen our word for twenty. I chased him to get it back, but gave up after dickity-six miles…

No wait, this is a real story, and it took place earlier this year. There’s a mall in this area with both a movie theater, and a really nice Italian restaurant. We’ll call this restaurant “Vinny T’s”, so it can retain its anonymity. I had just had a great dinner there, and wanted to take a leak before driving home. I know that SOMEWHERE in the mall is a bathroom that is unaffiliated with any of its many stores, but fucked if anyone knows where that is, so I just went to use the bathroom in the movie theater. Hopefully I don’t need to explain basic life functions to any of you, so we’ll skip to the part where I go wash my hands. Admittedly, I had a couple drinks at dinner which might explain why I did this, but while waiting for one of those goddamn hot air blowing hand dryer thingies to dry my hands, I counted how many sinks there were. There were very literally two dozen sinks in this bathroom, so there was no real danger of it being too crowded for simple hygiene. So I’m there drying my hands, and I make a few observations:

1. As I said, there are 24 sinks
2. There is a steady flow of people in and out of the bathroom
3. Only one other person besides myself is washing his hands
4. Half the guys in the restroom stopped, not to wash their hands, but to check their hair in the mirror
5. Half of THOSE guys were wearing hats

It’s the sort of shit I’m not creative enough to make up on my own. Now movies are a big date destination, so I can understand this behavior. If a guy spends too long in the bathroom and his date has to wait for him, clearly she’s going to start to worry that he’s sodomizing another guy. With time being of the essence, these men have to choose between fixing their hair and washing their hands. Now you’re probably thinking that messed up hair would be a lot less of a turn off than the possible stench of urine on one’s hands, but if she’s going to be worrying about the aforementioned sodomy, no guy can risk walking out of the restroom with his hair looking like he was just tossed around a bathroom stall like a rag doll. Besides, all the stereotypical movie foods like popcorn, nachos, and candy may be things you eat with your hands, but urine is sterile. Gross, but sterile.

So remember, next time you’re in a public restroom be sure to wash your hands, because someone’s probably watching you.
I mean an actual person, not like…God is watching you
Although he probably is too, but people were filthy back when Jesus was alive, so he’s probably cool with it
Then again they do say cleanliness is next to Godliness…

Ever seen a sandwich that could take a bite out of you?

© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus


  1. fleksneshåpet says:

    well, just touching your weenie is not really dirtying your hands. If anythinh, you shuld wash your hands BEFORE you pee

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    That’s Your Policy, Not Mine! « The Amazing World of Dr. Jeebus

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