Archive for January, 2011

How to get a thread deleted in under 60 seconds

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Ever wonder how quickly a thread can be deleted? I posted the following message on the MTGSalvation forums with the thread name “Fuck these ‘future drafters'”, and it lasted very literally less than a minute.

To whom it may concern,
We understand that you have product early and have foolishly decided to open it. Good for you for being retards. However, we are not going to suck your dicks to get information. This attention whoring is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen on these forums, and I’ve seen quite a bit of ridiculous shit (Such as people actually complaining about Black Lotuses in ZEN packs). Here’s how spoiling cards works:
You acquire information.
You share information.
People thank you for your efforts and for the risk you are taking, and speak more highly of you each set you help spoil until you ascend to the level of “rumour mill hero.”
This is the way things always have worked, and the way they should work. Holding the fact that you have information above people’s heads and making them give you praise and attention BEFORE you share said information is not the way to become popular on this site. And believe me, I know quite a bit about being unpopular on this site, so I think you can take my word on this one.
I’m a huge fan of rumour season and am always excited when someone takes the risk of sharing information, but this is the first time I actually hope that they get caught, and soon. And considering you’ve gone completely out of the way to make a ridiculous spectacle of yourselves, there’s a whole lot of stuff out there for WotC to work with to catch you now. In conclusion, go fuck yourselves, and learn how to work for the community instead of for your ego.

Love always,
You know who.

“Mbsfuturedrafter could tell me there were $100 bills in packs of Mirrodin Besieged, but I’d still complain about having to swallow his load to get the information.”

If People Don’t Die, Sheep Will Kill Us All

Wednesday, January 5th, 2011

The universe is a simple place. Sure, there are lots of moving part, it looks really complicated, and there’s a lot about it that we don’t understand, but at it’s very core, the universe is governed by simplicity. Take gravity, for example. The law of universal gravitation is not only a pretty simple formula, it is indeed universal. The gravity exerted on Earth by our Sun uses the same formula as the gravity exerted on Uranus by my dick. Even with all the other factors that seem like they could be important, like the fact that my dick is attached to me and I’m stuck on Earth orbiting the sun at a different speed than Uranus orbits our sun, it really is that simple. Likewise, the lifecycle of every living thing on this planet is the same: you’re born, you reproduce, you die. Yeah, all sorts of other shit happens too, but it’s not overly important for this.
The problem with this is that humans are arrogant cunts who like to play God. We’re doing our damnedest to remove the “you die” part from the equation. The thing is, that’s not actually playing God. When you pay doctor, you pretend you’re doing things a real doctor does. That or you’re going to third base with your hot cousin. Extended life indefinitely isn’t what He intended, and what people are actually trying to do with this behaviour is actually BE God. I think we can all agree, whether you believe in God or not, that mankind is not and never will be God. Playing God is one thing, but anytime man actually tries to be God and alter the natural order of the universe, it always in things being fucked up beyond recognition. Don’t worry, I’m getting to the part about sheep, I promise.
First, though, let’s talk about fire. Fire is a beautiful thing. I don’t mean that in some spiritual or philosophical way, I just mean fire is nice to look at. For liability purposes, I would like to point out that pyromania and arson are completely different and unrelated things. Anyway, fire is an important part of nature, and a necessary part. In fact, forest fires are so important that many trees can’t ever reproduce without it. Sure they die in the process, but whatever, they were gonna get diseased and die eventually anyway. If trees require fire to release their seeds, then clearly it was intended to be a fairly regular (regular being relative here) part of a forest’s life. Of course, man has gone and developed areas where trees used to be, so there’s a risk of these wildfires eating our houses and us. What did we do to solve this problem? There was only one logical solution: controlled burns. People would carefully plan so that they could intentionally burn large sections of forest to prevent shit from building up and resulting in worse fires, as well as helping the forest. Describing all the reasons fire is important would take longer than it’s worth here, but if you think I’m full of shit go to Wikipedia or anywhere else and look up controlled burns so you can see. Anyway, many places eventually outlawed controlled burns for a variety of reasons, most of them well intentioned, at least if you’re human. So now you have a forest that no longer has controlled burns. Leaves and branches and other shit builds up. Then there’s a few years of below average rainfall. Then lightning strikes as over 1.5 million acres of California’s landscape are burned to the ground as Martin Lawrence looks at the torched Hollywood sign, takes off his sunglasses, and declares that shit just got real.
Remember how I said that the universe is simple? Well humans are now the overgrown forest, and homeless people are the leaves and branches on the ground. If you find that offensive, then fuck you, now you’re a leaf too; should’ve kept your mouth shut. We’re the forest and those fires that we’re supposed to experience? Those are called plague. The natural order of things is for the occasional plague to sweep through, kill a bunch of people, and let me steal their flatscreen before some relative who never visited comes to take it. But thanks to advances in modern medicine, we don’t really get plagues, so instead we have become overgrown. Let’s face it, the world is overpopulated. It’s pretty impossible to debate that point, and the population keeps rising, especially since people refuse to let anyone die. I mean come on! Every fucking kid who’s seen The Lion King knows that death is part of the circle of the life. Every time there’s a disease which is supposed to be an epidemic, we snuff it out immediately. In my lifetime alone, there was swine flu, bird flu, AIDS, and I think a couple others that were supposed to be a day of reckoning for mankind, but we allayed them all. At this point, the world is so overgrown that as soon as a plague comes through that we actually can’t stop right away, we’re fucked. I’m not talking badass Mad Max fucked where life would be really fun, either. I’m talking Twelve Monkees fucked. The kinda fucked where the few remaining survivors live underground and are all either prisoners or scientists, and where Brad Pitt’s completely fucking insane.
I don’t really have a solution to this problem, of course. I mean, we could just kill a bunch of people, that’s a pretty good solution, but no one has the balls for that so it would never happen. It’s only a matter of before some super virus wipes us all out, and my money’s on Ovine Flu. Why? Because sheep flu victims would be impossible to round up. When authorities came to round up the infected, they would attempt to take a count of them and promptly fall asleep.

Yeah, that’s the joke I’m leaving you with. Deal with it.