If People Don’t Die, Sheep Will Kill Us All

The universe is a simple place. Sure, there are lots of moving part, it looks really complicated, and there’s a lot about it that we don’t understand, but at it’s very core, the universe is governed by simplicity. Take gravity, for example. The law of universal gravitation is not only a pretty simple formula, it is indeed universal. The gravity exerted on Earth by our Sun uses the same formula as the gravity exerted on Uranus by my dick. Even with all the other factors that seem like they could be important, like the fact that my dick is attached to me and I’m stuck on Earth orbiting the sun at a different speed than Uranus orbits our sun, it really is that simple. Likewise, the lifecycle of every living thing on this planet is the same: you’re born, you reproduce, you die. Yeah, all sorts of other shit happens too, but it’s not overly important for this.
The problem with this is that humans are arrogant cunts who like to play God. We’re doing our damnedest to remove the “you die” part from the equation. The thing is, that’s not actually playing God. When you pay doctor, you pretend you’re doing things a real doctor does. That or you’re going to third base with your hot cousin. Extended life indefinitely isn’t what He intended, and what people are actually trying to do with this behaviour is actually BE God. I think we can all agree, whether you believe in God or not, that mankind is not and never will be God. Playing God is one thing, but anytime man actually tries to be God and alter the natural order of the universe, it always in things being fucked up beyond recognition. Don’t worry, I’m getting to the part about sheep, I promise.
First, though, let’s talk about fire. Fire is a beautiful thing. I don’t mean that in some spiritual or philosophical way, I just mean fire is nice to look at. For liability purposes, I would like to point out that pyromania and arson are completely different and unrelated things. Anyway, fire is an important part of nature, and a necessary part. In fact, forest fires are so important that many trees can’t ever reproduce without it. Sure they die in the process, but whatever, they were gonna get diseased and die eventually anyway. If trees require fire to release their seeds, then clearly it was intended to be a fairly regular (regular being relative here) part of a forest’s life. Of course, man has gone and developed areas where trees used to be, so there’s a risk of these wildfires eating our houses and us. What did we do to solve this problem? There was only one logical solution: controlled burns. People would carefully plan so that they could intentionally burn large sections of forest to prevent shit from building up and resulting in worse fires, as well as helping the forest. Describing all the reasons fire is important would take longer than it’s worth here, but if you think I’m full of shit go to Wikipedia or anywhere else and look up controlled burns so you can see. Anyway, many places eventually outlawed controlled burns for a variety of reasons, most of them well intentioned, at least if you’re human. So now you have a forest that no longer has controlled burns. Leaves and branches and other shit builds up. Then there’s a few years of below average rainfall. Then lightning strikes as over 1.5 million acres of California’s landscape are burned to the ground as Martin Lawrence looks at the torched Hollywood sign, takes off his sunglasses, and declares that shit just got real.
Remember how I said that the universe is simple? Well humans are now the overgrown forest, and homeless people are the leaves and branches on the ground. If you find that offensive, then fuck you, now you’re a leaf too; should’ve kept your mouth shut. We’re the forest and those fires that we’re supposed to experience? Those are called plague. The natural order of things is for the occasional plague to sweep through, kill a bunch of people, and let me steal their flatscreen before some relative who never visited comes to take it. But thanks to advances in modern medicine, we don’t really get plagues, so instead we have become overgrown. Let’s face it, the world is overpopulated. It’s pretty impossible to debate that point, and the population keeps rising, especially since people refuse to let anyone die. I mean come on! Every fucking kid who’s seen The Lion King knows that death is part of the circle of the life. Every time there’s a disease which is supposed to be an epidemic, we snuff it out immediately. In my lifetime alone, there was swine flu, bird flu, AIDS, and I think a couple others that were supposed to be a day of reckoning for mankind, but we allayed them all. At this point, the world is so overgrown that as soon as a plague comes through that we actually can’t stop right away, we’re fucked. I’m not talking badass Mad Max fucked where life would be really fun, either. I’m talking Twelve Monkees fucked. The kinda fucked where the few remaining survivors live underground and are all either prisoners or scientists, and where Brad Pitt’s completely fucking insane.
I don’t really have a solution to this problem, of course. I mean, we could just kill a bunch of people, that’s a pretty good solution, but no one has the balls for that so it would never happen. It’s only a matter of before some super virus wipes us all out, and my money’s on Ovine Flu. Why? Because sheep flu victims would be impossible to round up. When authorities came to round up the infected, they would attempt to take a count of them and promptly fall asleep.

Yeah, that’s the joke I’m leaving you with. Deal with it.


  1. browndr says:

    Bravo. But I don’t think you’re going far enough. The real solution is to just stop modern medicine for one or two years of every 10. It would cull the herd just enough to keep the population levels acceptable.

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Syd Lexia. Syd Lexia said: RT @Dr_Jeebus: New blog post: If People Don't Die, Sheep Will Kill Us All http://dr.jeebus.sydlexia.com/?p=143 […]

  3. quax says:

    I really didnt like your post until you hit the biologistnerve in me on the controlled burns.

    I also think that if we’d just let people die like they are supposed to instead of keeping them alive in the hospital for a few extra months we’d be far better off. Why do we spend billions of idollars extending old people’s and cancer victim’s lives? I saw my friend in the hospital with a brain tumor for months suffering, it was horrible, thats just an example-!

  4. amoghsood says:

    This was some funny shit…Nice work

    Couldn’t agree with you more….we do need to rake a few leaves put em aside and through in a lighted splinter once in a while..

  5. God says:

    I don’t actually exist, therefore I do not have intent for your species.

  6. Pepsiman says:

    If it means anything, the birthrate in the more prosperous countries has reduced as life expectancies increase. Overpopulation is more prevalent in the countries where this has not happened – modern medicine and food production have reduced the deathrates everywhere.

    You’d think mass murder was the solution, but it lacks the required finesse.

  7. Skinr says:

    As in The Stand, those who die, die. Those who for some reason are immune, and are physically and emotionally strong enough to survive the aftermath, live on naturally. Yes, eventually they will die too, but by that point another generation will be upon them.

    The only problem is that, over the centuries, the population will again begin to crowd, and the (decidedly spiritually influenced) events of the distant past, even if documented, will be ‘debunked’ by people with nothing better to do.

    As you mentioned, a ‘controlled burn’ would work. Another disease coming along and wiping out the sickly at a regular, but slow, rate would be helpful to both humanity and the Earth over time.

    …God, I sound like the Anthrax mailer.

  8. Plaguebearer says:

    Of course, you’re all forgetting a much simpler solution, so cozily wrapped up as you are in your warm and fuzzy nihilism blankets.

    Instead of taking a life, or indeed many lives, as in your controlled forest fire analogy, what really needs to be brought under control is the birth rate. What kind of spineless defeatist would want our species to halt it’s advances in medicine and biology? Eventually we may defeat death altogether, and the issue becomes moot.

    Interestingly, birthrates in andvanced nations tend to decline sharply as life expectancies get longer. Still more interesting is how this varies between ethnic groups; consider for example the birth restrictions in China versus the average of 4 children in most Muslim families.

    What we really need is for people to stop filling the world up in the first place.

    • Micheal says:

      I don’t what the fuss is about…Not only d&ad but creatives and creative directors in london seem to endorse this glorified view of digital.Try to show your book around and you’ll see how 90% of the people will ditch it if you don’t have a fair ammount of digital in it.It’s just the same as the ‘I don’t want to see ads, I want to see artsy fartsy stuff’ attitude of some creatives during inteevirws.I heard a bloke say that ‘advertising is becoming a dirty word in advertising agencies!’. How truth.

  9. Law says:

    Produce a reason to think this. Need to know for certian you are correct.

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