Thanks to the magic of digital cable, I can flip through a guide and see what’s on like 300 channels in the span of about 15 seconds. It’s a vast improvement over TV Guide or that God damn, slow scrolling preview channel from when I was a kid. What I have learned from being able to always know what’s on every channel is that “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” is on a lot. Like every day. And not that piece of shit “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” with Johnny Depp, the real movie with Gene Wilder. One of the many, many times I saw Willy Wonka on the guide I decided to flip it on. The real beauty behind this movie being on TV so much is that it would NEVER get made these days. You’re probably wondering why. Is it because of Gene Wilder’s Tourette’s-like rant about fizzy lifting drink? The implied child murder? Nah, that stuff is all fine. The problem is that 1971 was a brutal, savage time before adults realized they could blame anything and everything on society. Here is an excerpt from the song the Oompa Loompa’s sing after Veruca Salt falls down the garbage chute:
Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat?
Blaming the kids is a lion of shame
You know exactly who’s to blame:
The mother and the father!
What the fuck? Those faggoty little midgets just blew my fucking mind. It’s the parents’ fault that their kid is an obnoxious little shit? How is it possible that this concept was so simple and accepted that it could show up in a kids movie in 1971, but now, almost 40 years later, it’s unheard of to even breath something to this effect. These days, a child’s bad behavior is the school systems fault, or society’s fault, or the kid’s friends’ fault. Everyone gets blamed except for the parents these days, and it’s fucking ludicrous. That song verse is so concise, simple, and most importantly, accurate. It’s not even like giving a child discipline is hard! They’re small and weak, so it won’t take much effort to kick your kid’s ass, and they can’t fight back! I’m trying to think of something funny to say so leave you all with, but this sort of spineless bullshit is becoming omnipresent in America, and this lack of personal responsibility is going to destroy the country; it’s too infuriating to be funny.
If I ever run for office, this will be my campaign song.
© 2008 by Dr. Jeebus