Letters from Geordie Tait – An Experiment in Group Think

By Dr. Jeebus September 16th, 2011, under Magic, Rants

Warning: I’m probably going to offend you with this article. If you’ve read my stuff before then this is no surprise, but hopefully this will gain momentum beyond my normal readership. If you’ve never read my writing before, consider yourself warned.

Let’s Start at the Beginning

So yesterday a preview link was given to Geordie Tait’s latest article on Star City Games. It wasn’t even on the front page yet, and it was being lauded as the greatest piece of literature since The Bible. Normally I’d link you to the article so you can read it in its entirety before reading this, but you’ve probably already read it, and if you haven’t I’ll spare you the 90 minute read by giving you a brief synopsis. Here’s what his 100,000 word article looked like:

*Note: This article was written as a letter to his non-existent daughter. This is a cute premise, but it’s fucking annoying to read and gets really old, really fast. Luckily, the article is nice and itemized, so I can break it down pretty easily.

1. Introduction – Women are mistreated by all of society, gamers are bad people, and you should probably burn bridges with all your gamer friends; doing so will make you a better person.

2. Part of the Tribe – This is where Tait decides it’s obligatory to wave around his nerd credentials. “I am just like you! You can trust what I say, because I am an actual, card carrying nerd.”

3. #Finkeldate – This is the basis of the entire article. It wasn’t the point that the article was trying to make really, but it was the basis for writing it and was constantly referenced. He describes Alyssa Bereznak’s blog post (in both its iterations) very accurately, but I’m sure you’ve read at least the revised version of her blog post so there’s little point in going into this in detail.

4. The Response – Here Tait describes the response people had. Surprise! Everyone’s response to her blog post was negative. If you read it, you had negative feelings about it too, so don’t fucking lie. He focuses on how many of the comments were about her being a bitch or shallow, and the irony of calling someone shallow then saying that Finkel makes a lot of money. This irony is the first worthwhile point int he article.

5. A Sordid Past – As it turns out, our beloved hero, Geordie, wrote two very angry responses to similar things in 2002 and 2003. At this point he is saying “I WAS just like you, but not any more! Now I’m better! I’m soooo ashamed for what I did, and you should be too!” You see Geordie finally got laid in the interim, and now sexism was WRONG. Those are practically his exact words. He describes how he finally started a serious relationship, and he suddenly felt awful for everything derogatory towards women for any reason. He even says “I was so sick of the avalanche of sexism that I wouldn’t have criticized Alyssa if she’d set Jon on fire during the date,” and I believe him. More on this later.

6. Pride – Here he talks about how gamers have a big sense of pride as a community, but that this blind devotion can be a bad thing. He also reveals a very poignant quote from earlier in the article to have been stated by a juggalo. Of course, because this guy is actually still a giant douchebag despite claiming to be a changed man, he then makes a number of ignorant and bigoted remarks about juggalos without any real understanding of them (Note: I am not a juggalo). More on this later as well.

7. Fear – Basically, all that’s said here is that Alyssa laughed at you so you’re flailing around wildly like a giant pussy crying and trying to deflect your rage and hurt back at her.

8. Bonus Material – Worst name for one of his sections possible. “Bonus material” is the term that was deemed appropriate to describe the only particularly relevant part of this article. This part explains precisely WHY Bereznak would have thought as she did about Magic players, citing a number of quotes and sources, most notably an article written a decade ago by Aaron Forsythe’s wife. This could and should have been the entire article. If it was the core of the article instead of a footnote buried under a metric ton of self-indulgent bullshit, then this response would not be necessary.

9. Conclusion – This is about feminism, and you can make the entire world more tolerant by not flaming women. No matter what they do, women are off limits. He also decides to forgive you all for what you said, and knows that maybe someday you can be better. Like him. When you finally get laid.

“What’s the Big Fuckin’ Deal, Bitch?”

So why do I hate this article? Well aside from being filled with more self-indulgent ramblings than a Tarantino flick, there is a huge problem with the entire article. Before I even get to that, let’s get to the worse part: the response. It’s 1:30 in the morning at this point in time, so I’m not gonna bother making fancy screenshots, but you are welcome to fact check this because it’s all true. Here’s what a couple people said about Geordie Tait’s article yesterday:

Jon Medina (@mtgmedina) – “I’m not one to gush over things but this article truly is insane. I want to take the day off work just to absorb it.” “I haven’t got through the whole thing, but you should feel honored for being part of this awesome article.”

Evan Irwin (@misterorange) – “Geordie Tait knocks it out of the park.”

The vast majority of the MTG community all had similar things to say. It’s the best thing anyone’s even written. However, I’m gonna pop in a time machine for a second and go back to August 29th…

Jon Medina – “I love how the article starts out, ‘I got drunk and made a profile on OK Cupid.’ Were you drunk when you were checking it every 5 mins too?”

Evan Irwin – “Nothing like a tech writer being shocked & appalled at how geeky her date is. Hahaha. So..@Jonnymagic00 1, idiots 0.”

Now, Tait actually has a screenshot of the quote from Evan in his article, but he ignores the condescending tone and the fact that he calls Bereznak an “idiot” at point blank range. There are countless more examples of this, but these are the biggest names that I distinctly remembered talking shit about her and then changing their tone with this article. I’m sure it will take you very little thought to recollect many of your own friends who had the same reaction. This is the most blatant example of group think I have ever seen. The entire community felt the same way: that this girl was a shallow bitch (Or possibly not shallow enough, since she didn’t care that Finkel has money). Suddenly, a respected writer (Or so I’m told. I had honestly never heard of this fucking guy until two days ago) writes something about how ashamed we should all be, and suddenly it’s the greatest thing in the world and we should all be preaching tolerance and love while holding hands and shitting rainbows. Sorry, but I’m not buying it for a second.

Aren’t You Forgetting Something?


As we covered, the entire catalyst for this article was the reaction to Bereznak’s blog post. This was also really the entire premise and focus of discussion. But everyone seems to have forgotten something: she completely deserved it. DO NOT STOP READING. You’re probably thinking some bullshit about how I’m blaming the victim or being an intolerant asshole. However, let’s think about what our friend Alyssa said, and more importantly how she said it. You see, I don’t care that she didn’t want to date a dude that plays Magic. That’s 100% understandable, but picture this scenario:

Instead of going on a date with a Magic player, she went on a date with someone who, after she mentioned that her brother was a gamer, said “Oh, I play World of Warcraft. Actually, I was the first person in the world to hit level 80.” Would anyone be appalled that she ran? Not a fucking chance. Why? Because World of Warcraft ruins lives. If you’re reading this, then you’re a gamer. As a gamer, you have almost certainly lost a friend into the depths of Azeroth for months or even years. Maybe they’re still stuck there. But Magic isn’t like that, right? Magic is a social medium! You know, except for the fact that everyone’s an asshole and at higher levels of competition people have seemingly no interest in any sort of friendly banter. It’s time to face facts though, guys:

Magic is expensive.
Magic is time consuming.
Competitive Magic is even more time consuming.
Magic players are some of the only people in the world who would fly to Paris, the most romantic city in the world, and leave their wives and girlfriends at home. They would rather go alone and never see anything but the inside of a convention center (Or possibly a bar if they 0-2 drop) then go with the love of their life and share a bottle of wine while gazing upon the Eiffel Tower.
Simply put, hardcore Magic players are unattractive and in many ways unavailable.

This was not the tone of the article, however. It was rude, condescending, and outright mean. There were a lot of things that Bereznak could’ve said. She could’ve just said that she didn’t like Magic players. She could’ve mentioned that some guy who, from every picture I’ve ever seen, has the cold, dead stare of a serial killer took her on a first date to see a one man play about a fucking serial killer. She could’ve said that she was desperately wishing she had gone on a date with one of the suitors who had just wanted to get into her pants instead of the one who potentially wanted to wear her skin. She could’ve said that he was boring, and that there was no real spark, attraction, or mutual interest. Instead, she not only talked about how she went on a date with the “champion of the dweebs”, she used his real name. She didn’t go on a date with some random nerd, she went on a date with “Jon Motherfucking Finkel.” Put all this together, and you’re asking for trouble.

I learned a long, long time ago that if you’re going to speak negatively about someone or something on the internet, you need to be prepared for retaliation. Because retaliation IS coming. If you put one of my boys on blast, I’m going to call you out. I’m not going to call you out by saying it wasn’t nice, I’m going to try to emotionally cripple you, because nobody fucks with the people I care about. Not only do most people feel the same way, but a very large percentage of the Magic community considers Finkel (and all pro players, writers, etc.) to be their boy. Alyssa Bereznak punched Jon Finkel in the dick in front of 1,000,000 of his boys, and expected nobody to do anything about it. And according to Geordie Tait, you shouldn’t have.

The Brutal Truth

Now it’s my turn to say something negative about your boy, and time for all of you to flame me. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna cry like a little bitch about it; I’m used to people not realizing I’m right.

There were a couple things I said I wanted to come back to, and now is the time. The first thing I’d like to mention is the total hypocrisy of Tait’s messages in his article. It is okay for Alyssa to talk shit about the entire Magic community from an ignorant and bigoted standpoint. It is apparently okay for Tait to talk shit about juggalos from an ignorant and bigoted standpoint. But God help you if you talk about women from an ignorant and bigoted standpoint! For of all the groups in the world, be they separated by gender, religion, or personal interest, women are the only group which is above reproach.

More importantly, however, is Tait’s entire attitude towards woman, and towards you, the reader. You see, Tait spend a LONG time, I’d venture twice as long as this entire article, explaining that he’s “just like you!” He’s a nerd, he’s said mean things, and he can totally identify with everything you feel. But, you see, he met the love of his life and everything changed. And by the love of his love, I mean the first girl that would let him fuck her. By Geordie’s own admission, he tried from ages 18-28 to have a steady girlfriend with no success. He then met a girl who he dated and married. Maybe he was able to pull off getting laid a few times before then, but the smart money’s on not very often. He even went so far as to say that he wouldn’t criticize Alyssa had she set Jon on fire during their date. While this was meant as hyperbole, I believe there is truth to that. Tait has become so enlightened, so much more so than you are, that he would tolerate any ridiculous, inappropriate behaviour from a woman. It’s actually pretty disgraceful.

What’s more disgraceful, however, is how much better than you he thinks he is. There is an actual statement of forgiveness in the conclusion of his article. “It’s okay that you’re still an unenlightened sexist. I forgive you, for I am God and God is forgiveness. Maybe one day you’ll get laid too, and then you can be as sensitive to the plights of the opposite sex as I am.” Yeah, you’re a real sweetheart. All that happened here was that lifetime loser who was desperate for approval from any woman finally got some for the first time in his entire life, and he’s not willing to risk giving that up even it means throwing all logic and decency out the window, so he wrote a needlessly long diatribe about how cruel gamers are and how you need to be ashamed of your very existence.

And you all bought it. You bought it and you lauded his greatness, because he wrote it for Star City Games. The Dojo was our Torah, Star City Games is our New Testament. Be it decklists or opinion, every published word is infallible. Mob Mentality FTW.

64 Comments

The Best Deck to Ever Debut at 0-3

By Dr. Jeebus May 30th, 2011, under Magic

So I went to GP Providence on Saturday, and it was an absolutely miserable experience. I had been up drinking until 1 or 2 the night before and had to get up at 7 to drive down. I wasn’t hungover, as I have never been hungover ever, but I apparently still was not playing anywhere near my best. I was going to write the saddest tournament report ever in which I get terrible pairings, come SO close, and fail to win any matches. But that’s not what happened.

You see, my official result was 0-3, but that does not accurately reflect the results of the tournament. My first two rounds were against Merfolk, one of my worst matchups, and the reality of the situation is that I actually won both of those matches. I was describing to my brother how the tournament had gone, and as I described how my first opponent had the perfect hand to beat me game 3 and I STILL almost won, my jaw dropped. I explained the board position and what I thought I needed to topdeck to win, and at that moment I realized what sleep-deprived, dehydrated Jeebus had not: Necromancy cannot be targetted by Cursecatcher. As if that didn’t make me mad enough, I then remembered that’s the exact same reason I lost game 3 of the next round as well. It was a little more complicated and he did have a Force of Will in hand, but I had the win that game as well. (Round 3 was a really good matchup for me, but after keeping marginal hands I drew nothing in either game except the cards that you never want to draw with this deck ever).

So aside from putting me on tilt for 18 hours and counting right now what does that tell me? Well considering what a bad matchup Merfolk should be and the fact that I beat two of them, it’s telling me that this deck is indeed real. My poor performance aside, this deck absolutely has what it takes to be competitive (Although it does need to make room for 2 more Mental Missteps in the maindeck). And now that you’re all done scrolling down and ignoring this, here’s the deck:

Zombie Hulk
Search:
3x Ponder
4x Brainstorm

Enablers:
4x Careful Study
4x Entomb

Counters:
3x Pact of Negation
3x Force of Will
2x Mental Misstep

Combo:
4x Necromancy
4x Footsteps of the Goryo
4x Protean Hulk
1x Reveillark
1x Body Double
1x Mogg Fanatic
1x Carrion Feeder
1x Body Snatcher

Mana:
3x Chrome Mox
4x Underground Sea
1x Volcanic Island
1x Badlands
2x Island
1x Swamp
4x Polluted Delta
2x Scalding Tarn
2x Bloodstained Mire

Sideboard:
2x Mental Misstep
3x Chain of Vapor
2x Pithing Needle
2x Red Elemental Blast
3x Pyroclasm
3x Energy Flux

About the deck:
The core is pretty much a reanimator deck. I like reanimator, but the problem with those decks are that even after you “combo off”, you still need a couple turns to win. This deck casts a reanimate spell and wins that turn, which is ideally turn 2 or 3, but now that Mental Misstep exists, it appears to be 3 or 4. The deck definitely needs 2 more Missteps main and a better sideboard (I just copied the list from a reanimator deck that placed well at a tournament recently as I had no time to test, and someone else insisted I put Pithing Needle in which is VERY important for Relic of Progenitus).

And there it is, the deck that should have won me a ton of money. Go forth and play it in your legacy events. Just be sure to tell anyone who asks where the deck came from that Jeebus sent you.

UPDATE:
It has been brought to my attention that not everyone knows how the combo works. I assumed everyone did, so let me explain:
1. Get Protean Hulk into your graveyard
2. Cast Footsteps of the Goryo or Necromancy (NOT during main phase)
3. EOT or during Cleanup, Hulk goes to the graveyard. Fetch Carrion Feeder and Body Double. Body double copies Protean Hulk.
4. Sac Body Double to Carrion Feeder. Fetch Mogg Fanatic and Reveillark.
5. Sac Mogg Fanatic to deal 1 damage. Sac Reveillark to Carrion Feeder. Return Mogg Fanatic and Body Double copying Reveillark.
6. Sac Mogg Fanatic to deal 1 damage. Sac Body Double to Carrion Feeder, returning Body Double and Mogg Fanatic. Repeat ad infinitum.
7. IF Revillark or Body Double is in your hand (Always shove the combo creatures back into your deck with Brainstorm), instead fetch Body Snatcher at that step. “Imprint” the card in your hand on Body Snatcher, then sac the Body Snatcher to Carrion Feeder.

13 Comments

Duel Decks: Mirrodin Pure vs. New Phyrexia

By Dr. Jeebus February 14th, 2011, under Uncategorized

For those who don’t know, Wizards ran a contest where you could design decklists for a Mirrodin Pure vs. New Phyrexia Duel Deck set. Now that the contest is closed, I figured I’d share what I came up with to see what people think. The descriptions we had to write are kinda weird and I’m not overly thrilled with those, but I did what I could with the guidelines we were given. Also, for the record, I’m much happier with the New Phyrexia deck, though I like both of them. For anyone wondering why Mirrodin Pure is an all artifact deck, the face cards for the two decks were Phyrexian Plaguelord and Platinum Angel, which were to be the only mythic rares in the decks. Why Plaguelord is mythic since it was a regular rare in Phyrexia vs. The Coalition (Negator was the mythic) is beyond me, but whatever. Anyway, no duel deck has ever had a card that was not either colourless or the colour of the face card, so I continued the trend. Seemed like the way to go.

That all being said, here’s what I came up with:

New Phyrexia
2x Blood Pet
2x Blood Vassal
1x Contagious Nim
2x Corpse Cur
1x Flensermite
2x Fume Spitter
1x Ichor Rats
1x Midnight Banshee
1x Necropede
1x Necroskitter
1x Nested Ghoul
1x Phyrexian Juggernaut
1x Phyrexian Plaguelord
2x Plague Stinger
1x Plague Myr
1x Septic Rats
1x Skinrender

1x Contagion Clasp
1x Contagion Engine
2x Dark Ritual
1x Incremental Blight
1x Oversold Cemetery
2x Phyresis
1x Plague Wind
1x Spread the Sickness
2x Virulent Wound

24x Swamp
1x Cabal Coffers
1x Peat Bog

Led by their master of death and disease, the Phyrexian Plaguelord, the Phyrexians continue to spread their infection across the plane of Mirrodin. With an army of expendable disease carriers that just won’t stay dead, the Plaguelord will sacrifice anyone to ensure that all will be one.

One-drops like Fume Spitter and Blood Pet slow down the opponent while helping you accelerate into your more expensive spells. A host of infect creatures threaten to poison your opponent as well as negating Mirrodin’s most powerful form of defense: darksteel. With Corpse Cur and Oversold Cemetery to recur your creatures, there is no end to the Phyrexian invasion. Even if the Mirrans can find a way to blunt the assault, the disease’s ability to proliferate will surely end them.

One of the most important cards in this deck is the dreaded Necroskitter. For only three mana, this hard-to-kill creature allows you to not only eliminate the Mirran forces, but to assimilate them into the army of New Phyrexia.

Mirrodin Pure
1x Auriok Replica
2x Chrome Steed
1x Golem Artisan
1x Gold Myr
1x Grim Poppet
1x Myr Battlesphere
1x Myr Galvanizer
1x Myr Retriever
1x Neurok Replica
1x Palladium Myr
1x Platinum Angel
1x Rusted Relic
1x Silver Myr
1x Soliton
2x Tatterkite
1x Wizard Replica

1x Bladed Pinions
1x Bonesplitter
2x Energy Chamber
1x Glint-Hawk Idol
2x Golem Foundry
1x Heavy Arbalist
2x Moonglove Extract
1x Oblivion Stone
1x Origin Spellbomb
2x Power Conduit
1x Prototype Portal
1x Sculpting Steel

11x Plains
11x Islands
2x Glimmerpost
2x Cloudpost

With the Platinum Angel soaring overheard, the Mirrans charge into battle fearless to purge Mirrodin of the Phyrexian scourge. Using powerful artifacts to purify Mirrodin and counteract the effects of the Phyrexian plague, they will endure.
Early game Myr creatures and spellbombs defend you from becoming poisoned as well as helping to cast expensive creatures to devastate the Phyrexian forces.
Golem Foundry and Prototype Portal are your most powerful tools offensively, providing a renewable source of creatures to overwhelm your opponent. Defensively, Power Conduit, Energy Chamber, and Grim Poppet allow you to not only remove the-1/-1 counters from your creatures, but to even turn them against your opponent.
Be it on the attack or defense, Tatterkite is one of your most important tools against the Phyrexians because it cannot be infected. When equipped with a Heavy Arbalest, Soliton can be used to singlehandedly wipe out much of the oncoming plague and leave Mirrodin Pure.

27 Comments

How to get a thread deleted in under 60 seconds

By Dr. Jeebus January 24th, 2011, under Uncategorized

Ever wonder how quickly a thread can be deleted? I posted the following message on the MTGSalvation forums with the thread name “Fuck these ‘future drafters'”, and it lasted very literally less than a minute.

To whom it may concern,
We understand that you have product early and have foolishly decided to open it. Good for you for being retards. However, we are not going to suck your dicks to get information. This attention whoring is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen on these forums, and I’ve seen quite a bit of ridiculous shit (Such as people actually complaining about Black Lotuses in ZEN packs). Here’s how spoiling cards works:
You acquire information.
You share information.
People thank you for your efforts and for the risk you are taking, and speak more highly of you each set you help spoil until you ascend to the level of “rumour mill hero.”
This is the way things always have worked, and the way they should work. Holding the fact that you have information above people’s heads and making them give you praise and attention BEFORE you share said information is not the way to become popular on this site. And believe me, I know quite a bit about being unpopular on this site, so I think you can take my word on this one.
I’m a huge fan of rumour season and am always excited when someone takes the risk of sharing information, but this is the first time I actually hope that they get caught, and soon. And considering you’ve gone completely out of the way to make a ridiculous spectacle of yourselves, there’s a whole lot of stuff out there for WotC to work with to catch you now. In conclusion, go fuck yourselves, and learn how to work for the community instead of for your ego.

Love always,
You know who.

“Mbsfuturedrafter could tell me there were $100 bills in packs of Mirrodin Besieged, but I’d still complain about having to swallow his load to get the information.”

3 Comments

If People Don’t Die, Sheep Will Kill Us All

By Dr. Jeebus January 5th, 2011, under Rants

The universe is a simple place. Sure, there are lots of moving part, it looks really complicated, and there’s a lot about it that we don’t understand, but at it’s very core, the universe is governed by simplicity. Take gravity, for example. The law of universal gravitation is not only a pretty simple formula, it is indeed universal. The gravity exerted on Earth by our Sun uses the same formula as the gravity exerted on Uranus by my dick. Even with all the other factors that seem like they could be important, like the fact that my dick is attached to me and I’m stuck on Earth orbiting the sun at a different speed than Uranus orbits our sun, it really is that simple. Likewise, the lifecycle of every living thing on this planet is the same: you’re born, you reproduce, you die. Yeah, all sorts of other shit happens too, but it’s not overly important for this.
The problem with this is that humans are arrogant cunts who like to play God. We’re doing our damnedest to remove the “you die” part from the equation. The thing is, that’s not actually playing God. When you pay doctor, you pretend you’re doing things a real doctor does. That or you’re going to third base with your hot cousin. Extended life indefinitely isn’t what He intended, and what people are actually trying to do with this behaviour is actually BE God. I think we can all agree, whether you believe in God or not, that mankind is not and never will be God. Playing God is one thing, but anytime man actually tries to be God and alter the natural order of the universe, it always in things being fucked up beyond recognition. Don’t worry, I’m getting to the part about sheep, I promise.
First, though, let’s talk about fire. Fire is a beautiful thing. I don’t mean that in some spiritual or philosophical way, I just mean fire is nice to look at. For liability purposes, I would like to point out that pyromania and arson are completely different and unrelated things. Anyway, fire is an important part of nature, and a necessary part. In fact, forest fires are so important that many trees can’t ever reproduce without it. Sure they die in the process, but whatever, they were gonna get diseased and die eventually anyway. If trees require fire to release their seeds, then clearly it was intended to be a fairly regular (regular being relative here) part of a forest’s life. Of course, man has gone and developed areas where trees used to be, so there’s a risk of these wildfires eating our houses and us. What did we do to solve this problem? There was only one logical solution: controlled burns. People would carefully plan so that they could intentionally burn large sections of forest to prevent shit from building up and resulting in worse fires, as well as helping the forest. Describing all the reasons fire is important would take longer than it’s worth here, but if you think I’m full of shit go to Wikipedia or anywhere else and look up controlled burns so you can see. Anyway, many places eventually outlawed controlled burns for a variety of reasons, most of them well intentioned, at least if you’re human. So now you have a forest that no longer has controlled burns. Leaves and branches and other shit builds up. Then there’s a few years of below average rainfall. Then lightning strikes as over 1.5 million acres of California’s landscape are burned to the ground as Martin Lawrence looks at the torched Hollywood sign, takes off his sunglasses, and declares that shit just got real.
Remember how I said that the universe is simple? Well humans are now the overgrown forest, and homeless people are the leaves and branches on the ground. If you find that offensive, then fuck you, now you’re a leaf too; should’ve kept your mouth shut. We’re the forest and those fires that we’re supposed to experience? Those are called plague. The natural order of things is for the occasional plague to sweep through, kill a bunch of people, and let me steal their flatscreen before some relative who never visited comes to take it. But thanks to advances in modern medicine, we don’t really get plagues, so instead we have become overgrown. Let’s face it, the world is overpopulated. It’s pretty impossible to debate that point, and the population keeps rising, especially since people refuse to let anyone die. I mean come on! Every fucking kid who’s seen The Lion King knows that death is part of the circle of the life. Every time there’s a disease which is supposed to be an epidemic, we snuff it out immediately. In my lifetime alone, there was swine flu, bird flu, AIDS, and I think a couple others that were supposed to be a day of reckoning for mankind, but we allayed them all. At this point, the world is so overgrown that as soon as a plague comes through that we actually can’t stop right away, we’re fucked. I’m not talking badass Mad Max fucked where life would be really fun, either. I’m talking Twelve Monkees fucked. The kinda fucked where the few remaining survivors live underground and are all either prisoners or scientists, and where Brad Pitt’s completely fucking insane.
I don’t really have a solution to this problem, of course. I mean, we could just kill a bunch of people, that’s a pretty good solution, but no one has the balls for that so it would never happen. It’s only a matter of before some super virus wipes us all out, and my money’s on Ovine Flu. Why? Because sheep flu victims would be impossible to round up. When authorities came to round up the infected, they would attempt to take a count of them and promptly fall asleep.

Yeah, that’s the joke I’m leaving you with. Deal with it.

13 Comments

An Affinity for Affinity

By Dr. Jeebus December 3rd, 2010, under Magic

I have a long history of being on the unpopular side of arguments. I was surprised to find this was the case when I named cascade as the best ability in extended, because it is. The fact that so many people picked it as the worst ability in extended is solid proof to me that the vast majority of entrants had absolutely no business taking part in the Great Designer Search 2.
Hey look, it's an MTG Commander spoiler!
So once again, I’m on the unpopular side of a debate. Why? Because I think affinity is a great ability and that it needs to come back. Now please don’t misunderstand me, because Ravager Affinity was a terrible thing to happen to standard and I did not play the deck. In fact, I was so adamant in my refusal to play the deck that I said “fuck it” and built a Shared Fate deck. It was a lot of fun, and I even went 3-1 a few times at an extremely competitive FNM venue.

You’re probably confused about how I could love affinity but think that the affinity deck was terrible and refused to play it. The answer is really, really simple: Wizards fucked up affinity BAD. Wizards took a brilliant ability and instead of asking themselves “What is the best way we can use this ability?”, they asked themselves “What is the most impressive way we can use this ability?” which is the worst thing they could have done. Affinity is an unbounded mechanic. Unbounded mechanics scare a lot of people, and rightfully so, because when the most impressive application of them (The one guaranteed to move product), is invariably broken.

So how did affinity go wrong? Logically, the first design space you want to explore would be a group of cards with affinity for themselves. This would be fine had they not chosen this mechanic for an artifact block. Unbounded mana reduction on cards with strictly colourless mana costs results in free spells. Free spells are dangerous. Free spells with no additional cost involved are REALLY dangerous. A bunch of cards that make themselves and each other free (Supplemented with the occasional card that is more powerful based on how many of these such things have been played, undercosted card draw, and cards that make your other spells free and then cycle themselves from play) have too much potential for abuse. Oh yeah, and artifact lands? Wizards let people play with 24 lands in a deck that all produced 2 mana each (Or more, if you played multiple affinity spells in a turn) with absolutely no drawback.

Alright, so we’ve figured out what went wrong. Free spells with no drawback = bad…I mean, unless the spells are awful or inconsequential ala the various baubles. That means the solution is nice and simple, which is just to put affinity on coloured spells so that they can’t become free. There is a lot of design space here, and I think that the ability appearing in Mirrodin resulted in a huge creative roadblock, as there was so much insistence on affinity for artifacts. Above, we can see how one of their new EDH generals is exploring the design space of affinity, even if they forgot to keyword it originally. Here are some other areas of design that could be explored:

Affinity for basic lands
Affinity for cards in your hand
Affinity for creatures
Affinity for [creature type]
Affinity for [card type] in graveyard (As seen above)

Basically, you can have “Affinity for {card type, subtype, supertype} in {zone of play}”. You can also add things like card colour such as “Affinity for white permanents” or card power such as “Affinity for creatures with power 5 or greater”. The legendary creature above also shows how you have have affinity interacting with another ability on the card.

Simply put, there are a lot of options here, and as long as they monitor the ease of acquiring affinity and the minimum cost the card can have (As well as the ease of lowering it. I’m looking and you, artifact lands!) then everything should be fine.

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My Answers to the Great Designer Search 2 Essays

By Dr. Jeebus October 11th, 2010, under Uncategorized

As many of you know, I am currently taking part in the Great Designer Search 2 with the intentions of going all the way. I am extremely excited about this and have wanted to talk about these essays all week, but until now I could not. Since I now can, I figured the best way to discuss them was to post my answers in full. I look forward to everyone’s comments, and to reading all your essays as well!

1. Introduce yourself and explain why you are a good fit for this internship.
Fifteen years ago I experienced one of the most exciting moments of my life, though it was also one of the briefest. I came home from school one day to discover an envelope in the mailbox addressed to a twelve year old Dr. Jeebus. This letter was from Wizards of the Coast, and I knew exactly why I had received it. As I opened the envelope, a few cards fell into my lap. Ignoring them, I went immediately for the letter inside. It was on that day I learned that, for legal reasons, companies do not accept unsolicited submissions. I was heartbroken, but I never stopped designing cards. Occasionally, I would check the Wizards page for job postings in any capacity at all hoping that it would lead to great things, but there were rarely jobs in New England, and, at least at the times I checked, they were not interested in applicants who would need to relocate. Four years ago, I discovered the Great Designer Search. Unfortunately, due do school, work, and a long distance relationship, I had been too preoccupied to discover it until after it had already started. After it concluded, I held on hope that there would be another. For fifteen years I have played casually and competitively. I see cards from numerous perspectives, and also understand the desires of different types of players. I would be a great fit for this internship because of my longstanding love of Magic design, my understanding of the different types of players and their design needs, and my near photographic recollection of the entire Oracle which lets me draw upon Magic’s entire design history for ideas and frames of reference.

Oh, and if you’re wondering about those cards that I designed fifteen years ago? While I have forgotten most of them over the years of brainstorming cards, I at least had the incredible pleasure of seeing my favorite one from back then, Staff of Urza, go on to see print almost exactly as I had designed in Staff of Domination.

2. You are instructed to move an ability from one color to another. This ability must be something used in every set (i.e. discard, direct damage, card drawing etc.). You may not choose an ability that has already been color shifted by R&D. What ability do you shift and to what color do you shift it? Explain why you would make that shift.
Given the opportunity to color shift an ability, I would move counter magic. While every color has had at least some counter magic over the years, if you asked any player what the color of permission spells was, be it 2010, 1993, or any year in between, there would have been no hesitation before they answered “blue.” While this shows that the original designers did a spectacular job of carving blue’s piece of the color pie, it also shows that there has been a certain amount of stagnation in the exploration of what blue and others can do. For this reason, counter magic is most deserving to be color shifted.
Where to color shift counter magic seems a simple choice, and one that recent sets have experimented with. The seemingly obvious choice is white, using the rationale of white being able to protect itself and its permanents. However, this choice seems obvious because it is redundant. Spells like Brave the Elements, Emerge Unscathed, and Gilded Light, while having other uses, act as de facto counterspells to protect one’s self and permanents. Instead, I would like to move permission to black. (Note that I do not feel permission and hand denial should both be strong themes of the same color. A separate issue, but I need to voice that I do see it would be a concern.)
Black touched on a possible means of counter magic in Planar Chaos with Dash Hopes by giving the caster the choice of having their spell countered or being punished. I disagree with this card because the caster was still allowed to cast their spell if they chose. Black has given the opponent choices with Choice of Damnations and various edicts, however the choice is never “do you want to die?” as Dash Hopes asks; the choice is always “how do you want to die?” A better black counterspell would be akin to Withering Boon demonstrating that black can and will do as it pleases, no matter what the cost. Life, permanents, or library: black will sacrifice it all to exert its will.

3. What block do you feel did the best job of integrating design with creative? What is one more thing that could have been done to make it even better?
It should come as no surprise that one of the most popular blocks was the one that did the best job of integrating design with creative. Ravnica’s design blended beautifully with the story created for the plane. Even though each color was a part of four different guilds, design was able to make all ten guilds feel like completely separate entities, even within the monocolored cards. The introduction of hybrid was also huge in creating the feeling that the individual colors were parts of the guild, rather than having the guild specific cards restricted to cards using the guild keywords or traditional multicolor cards. However, because the world that had been created was so complex, it would have been nearly impossible to introduce all ten guilds in a single set. As a result, each set was used to introduce only a portion of the guilds so that the world being created would be fully fleshed out.
While design did a great job of making each guild feel separate, the one thing that was missing was the feeling that the guilds interacted. As Ravnica’s story unraveled, we saw characters from guilds working together as well as trying to thwart other guild’s nefarious intentions. The four guilds introduced in Ravnica were not revisited at all in Guildpact or Dissension, and the same was true for the guilds introduced in Guildpact. Admittedly, this would be a huge design challenge to fit all in a single block, but it would also be well worth it.

4. R&D has recently been looking at rules in the game that aren’t pulling their weight. If you had to remove an existing rule from the game for not being worth its inclusion, what would it be?
Combat is an important part of Magic, especially to newer players. As such, the combat phase should be as elegant as possible. The combat phase is currently encumbered by two rules, one of which should be removed and another which should be restructured.
The rule that needs restructuring is rule 500.4 stating that “When a step or phase ends, any unused mana left in a player’s mana pool empties.” While uncommon, this leads to odd interactions where mana added during part of combat can’t be used during later parts of combat; this is very counterintuitive, particularly to newer players who are unaware the parts of combat are official steps. This could easily be revised so that mana pools only empty when a phase ends and by reverting upkeep back to a phase, as combat is the only phase that really needs to have multiple steps (whether end and cleanup are phases or steps is inconsequential). I feel this is the more important of the two rules changes and deserved discussion, however I didn’t propose to remove a rule, only modify one, so I technically haven’t answered the question yet.
This brings us to rule 509.2: the ordering of blockers. When people complained about the introduction of this rule, the popular defense was “you won’t even notice the change.” For the most part, this is true (A good indication it’s unnecessary). The only time ordering of blockers matters is with combat tricks, which are made significantly more powerful, and with post combat mass damage spells, which are made significantly weaker. The need to order blockers and the inability to split damage without assigning lethal to each creature in order is very unintuitive. Experienced players managed to understand this with relative ease, after the requisite amount of complaining, but newer players are forced to learn a combat system weighted down by clunky rules that they will discover are very rarely relevant. Removing the ordering of blockers will simplify the rules with minimal impact on gameplay. And if anyone complains, they’ll simply be told “you won’t even notice it’s gone.”

5. Name a card currently in Standard that, from a design standpoint, should not have been printed. What is the card and why shouldn’t we have printed it?
As it currently reads, Luminarch Ascension should not have seen print. This probably seems like a very odd choice, because Luminarch Ascension is a good card. It is powerful without being unbalanced or format warping, and its abilities fit perfectly into white’s color pie. From a design standpoint, however, the card does not make sense.
Luminarch Ascension is part of a cycle of cards that reward the player for certain behavior. If a player is successful at drawing extra cards, Archmage Ascension lets them draw better cards. If a player is hurting their opponent, Bloodchief Ascension helps to further hurt the opponent. If a player is casting duplicates of their spells, Pyromancer Ascension duplicates their spells. If a player keeps attacking, Beastmaster Ascension makes their attacks more powerful. These four parts of the cycle have rewards that are symmetrical with the requirements. Luminarch Ascension breaks this cycle.
Luminarch Ascension’s requirement is to defend one’s self, but the reward is the means to kill the opponent. This asymmetry makes the card play very differently than the other ascensions. With the ascension cycle, the goal is for the player to have a plan that will be further enhanced by the ascension. Unfortunately, Luminarch Ascension requires a very specific plan A and plan B for before and after the requirements are filled. Theoretically, the player using Luminarch Ascension could just use the tokens for defensive purposes, but the card never plays out that way.
To fix this card so that it completes the cycle, the tokens created should have defender. This would make the card far less powerful and exciting from a competitive standpoint, but from a design standpoint this change is necessary to correct the incongruity of the Ascension cycle.

6. What do you think design can do to best make the game accessible to newer players?
This should be a simple question for anyone to answer, whether they are interested in design or not. Design should do what made the game feel accessible to them early on and avoid things that made them wary of continuing their experiences with Magic. While people will express these ideas differently, the vast majority of answers should boil down to one word: elegance.
I have very detailed memories of my early days of Magic, especially my reactions to certain cards. When cracking one of my first packs of 4th edition, I saw a card with only three words on it, and I knew that I had to call my friends immediately to play. Those three words were “Bury all creatures.” Splashy, competitive rares are exciting to everyone of course, but those simple words signified so much possibility. Even commons like Lightning Bolt and War Mammoth were exciting because, while they were simple, they did their jobs well. Conversely, when I had opened my first Fork, I had to read the card through multiple times to understand what it did; even then I was left with questions. Vesuvan Doppelganger was a nightmare as a new player. Card templating was unrefined back then, but I was unable to understand the card until I went online and discovered what I remember to be four pages of errata and rules clarifications. I had known that my Fork and Doppelganger were good cards because of the prices listed in my current issue of Scrye, and having cards that I knew were good but were potentially too complicated for me to use was frustrating.
Elegant design does not have to be simple, however. The devil is in the details, but the details don’t have to be in the rules text. Time Stop just says “end the turn”, which is extremely elegant despite being a complex idea. Fortunately, the italicized rules text confirms that yes, this does exactly what you think it does. Not every card can be simplified to three words, but the less rules text necessary, the more accessible the game becomes.

7. What do you think design can do to best make the game attractive to experienced players?
There are several things required to attract experienced players to new sets. The first is to print good cards that are fun to play with. As has been discussed at great length, there are three main psychographic profiles, and every set should have good cards for each of them. Not every card needs to be a tier 1 competitive card, but there needs to be enough in each set aimed at each of the psychographic profiles that will excite them. Lorywn did a great job of this by introducing planeswalkers and exciting tribal cards. However, Morningtide fell short, and the result was a lot of disgruntled players and the worst drop in Magic sales I ever saw as a retailer. Of course, fitting cards that appeal to Spike, Johnny, Timmy, and EDH/casual players in a single set while still balancing limited to make it exciting is a challenge, but that’ll always be the dream.
The second thing to do is to not print Necropotence. Powerful cards are good, but warping a format is not. I saw people quit Magic during the Black Summer, before the banning of Ravager Affinity, and even during Jund’s recent dominance. Catching these may technically be a development issue, but power level is still important to keep in mind while designing. Oh, and don’t print a better version of Necropotence and assume that it will be fine because it costs twice as much, especially in a set with a card that allows you to cheat it into play; that would probably be a mistake too.
Finally, fulfill your promises. Mark Rosewater recently discussed memory in an article, and made the comment that the constant cry that merfolk weren’t receiving support that lasted until Lorywn was due to their false memories of early Magic. This isn’t true. There was one merfolk, one zombie, and two goblins in Alpha, but Goblin King, Zombie Master, and Lord of Atlantis represented three promises, one of them broken. This sort of design needs to be avoided, or else we get three years and counting of “Where are our contraptions?”

8. Of all the mechanics currently in Extended, which one is the best designed? Explain why.
There is a single mechanic in extended that stands head and shoulders above all the others as the best designed. Cascade is the Kix of Magic mechanics: Johnny tested, Spike approved. (Timmy was too busy flipping cards over excitedly to see how many spells he’d cascade into at once to weigh in, but it looks like he’s having fun too.)
Cascade was a complete triumph because it was able to appeal to all types of players despite being based on the most difficult aspect of design: randomness. While there is a small segment of the Magic community, myself included, who love coin flip cards, most people abhor them. Timmy isn’t difficult to attract when it comes to effects based on chance, as the effects tend to be big. Cascade offered that same chance by letting a single spell potentially result in an enormous effect. Johnny enjoyed cascade because its structured randomness allowed decks to be designed around the ability to take advantage of cards like Hypergenesis and Living End. Even Spike, the player who actively works to remove all uncertainty and randomness from his decks enjoyed cascade because many of the cards were good on their own, and the cascade made their effects better in a manner that was directly proportionate to Spike’s deck design.
Naturally, an ability this popular among all the player types was not restricted to Bloodbraid Elves on the Pro Tour, either. Since Alara Reborn, I have not played a single multiplayer game where there was not at least one person running Maelstrom Nexus in their deck.
Simply put, cascade is the one effect in extended, and in all of Magic, that was able to appeal to all types of players and show them that there’s more to random effects than just getting hit in the face by errant quarters.

9. Of all the mechanics currently in Extended, which one is the worst designed? Explain why.
Keywords exist to make reading a card easier. We see a word and we know what the card does, because that word stands for something. Flying means it can only be blocked by creatures with flying. Haste means it is unaffected by summoning sickness. Cycling means you can pay a cost to discard it and draw a card. Chroma means…absolutely nothing. Chroma tells you to count mana symbols on a card or multiple cards in some hidden or public game zone for some effect that will affect one or more things. Needless to say, that sentence reads like a jumbled mess with far more variables than a keyword should have, which is exactly the problem with chroma as a mechanic.
While one could argue that the many variables of chroma were simply a means of exploring design space. However, with only nine total cards with chroma, there should really be at least two that act in similar ways. Otherwise, why bother creating a keyword? Light From Within only counts the mana symbols of one permanent for its effect, but it does it for all your creatures. Primalcrux counts all the mana symbols of all your creatures, but it only affects one creature. Umbra Stalker looks at your graveyard instead of in play, and it counts everything, not just creatures. Sanity Grinding looks at your library. Phospherescent Feast looks at your hand, and it essentially counts each twice.
People have argued that imprint is equally confusing, seeming to have little symmetry between abilities, but that it gets a pass because it was more popular. This is patently wrong. It is true that cards are imprinted from different zones with a wide range of abilities, but there is a single variable: what card is imprinted. Any other effect is rules text of the card, not the mechanic.
No matter how complex a mechanic seems, successful mechanics will never exceed a single variable. This complete lack of continuity makes chroma among the worst mechanics of all time.

10. Choose a plane to revisit other than Dominaria or Mirrodin. What is a mechanical twist we could add if we revisit this plane?
Given the opportunity to revisit a plane, I would want to revisit Ravnica. Ravnica used a cycle of vertical cycles to introduce us to hybrid mana. This design space was later explored in great detail in Shadowmoor and Eventide. The idea was then expanded upon again in Alara Reborn by introducing cards that, instead of requiring all hybrid and colorless mana, required mana of one specific color and a hybrid of that color’s allies. This is a design space that could be further explored on Ravnica and that adds a very exciting mechanical twist.
One of the most interesting aspects of Time Spiral’s reuse of nearly every keyword was seeing how keywords that had never been printed on the same card would interact with each other, such as Ichor Slick’s union of madness and cycling. This is a mechanical twist that would work perfectly on Ravnica. Each guild specific keyword was available on each color of the guild individually, not just on multicolor cards. This means that a card that required black mana and green/red hybrid mana would have access to both dredge and hellbent because the card is representative of both the Golgari and Rakdos guilds, and both keywords are available in black regardless of which other color mana was spent. This creates interesting design space by encouraging the player to empty their hand of cards that they can then return for more powerful effects.
Naturally, not all of the keyword combinations would have such interesting synergy, and some would need to be monitored to make sure they aren’t degenerate (Replicate costs on spells with Radiance would need to be considered very carefully, for example). Even so, this simple twist opens up a world of design space on Ravnica before even considering introducing new mechanics.

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Scars of Mirrodin Set Review

By Dr. Jeebus September 23rd, 2010, under Magic

Alright, I’m gonna do things a little differently this time. Frankly, I don’t care to evaluate every single card this time around, because many of them aren’t worth talking about. You already know undercosted creatures are good in limited and that removal is even better. This has always been the case, but I did it anyway because, at the time, no one else would. Instead, I’m going to only talk about the cards that I think are worth talking about (Which has to include all the rares), followed by some thoughts on the set as a whole. And lists. Everybody loves lists.

White

Elspeth Tirel – This is an incredibly powerful card. I don’t think anyone has attempted to dispute this fact, and they’d be wrong to do so. I don’t believe it’s the best planeswalker in the set, but it’s going to be the one with the strongest showing out of the gates. Be it draft, standard, or EDH, this card will always have a home.

Glint Hawk – This card makes me want to build a constructed white weenie deck with Memnite in it. No, I’m not joking. In fact, it’s one of the five decks I’m currently testing for states. A non-legendary 2/2 flyer for a single mana who’s only drawback is that you also have a 1/1 in play (Or Mox Opal) seems pretty damn good.

Indomitable Archangel – This will maintain some popularity because it’s an angel and in a white EDH deck can protect your equipment and such, but it’s really disappointing for a mythic rare. Still a first pick cause, hey, 4/4 flyer for 4!, but very disappointing as a card.

Kemba, Kha Regent – This is another card I’d first pick in draft just because of the abundance of equipment in the set. Someone’s going to try to utilize it in standard, but it’s too slow and inefficient for that format. However, I think Raksha’s going to have a lot of competition as the hallmark of any cat or equipment based EDH deck.

Leonin Arbiter – This is the best attempt they’ve made at this card so far, because it only costs two mana and it’s also a bear (Metaphorically). A lot of people are saying what a great sideboard card this is, and to those people I have one question: Why aren’t you running it main deck?

Myrsmith – Another really high draft pick. Somebody’s going to do something stupid with this card in constructed as well. It’s going to be infinite and stupid and I’m gonna punch them in the dick.

Razor Hippogriff – I really like this card for EDH and for draft, but especially for EDH. I like the idea of popping a Disk, then recurring it at the steep cost of gaining life and having a 3/3 flyer.

Revoke Existence – Don’t wait for the metagame to form. Just put this stupid card on your sideboards for states. You KNOW you’re gonna need it. I also like this card from a design standpoint to clear up any confusion about why green gets Naturalize but white can’t have Disenchant.

Soul Parry – I love the wording on cards like this. It’s like you’re trying to negotiate a trade or something:
Me: “This trade looks good, but can you throw in a damage prevention spell?”
Maro: “Sure. How about a white instant that prevents damage from some creatures?”
Me: “Hmm…that might work. How many creatures can I prevent?”
Maro: “I dunno, one or two. Whatever. Just trade me that fucking Phelddagrif already!”

Sunblast Angel – This card is definitely going to see some standard play, and is a ridiculous bomb in limited. I like the card when it was Righteous Fury and I got to gain life for the creatures that died. I even liked it when it was Guan Yu’s 1,000-Li March that just destroyed the creatures. But to get that effect on a 4/5 flying body for the same cost? Every U/W control deck should be running two of these, and they should be running Venser as well which will make it terrifying to run up against.

Tempered Steel – I will be excited about this card as soon as they give me some artifact creatures to be excited about.

True Convinction – A powerhouse in both limited and EDH to be sure. Too slow for my taste for constructed, especially since, unlike the somewhat similar Finest Hour, it requires heavy white instead of being part green which allows you to easily ramp with a Lotus Cobra. Someone will try, someone might even top 8 with this at states by catching someone off guard, but it’s probably just a win more card in constructed.

Blue
Argent Sphinx – If you’re running a deck that can ensure you have three or more artifacts, this thing is amazing. It’s a better Rainbow Efreet. However, that requires jumping through a lot of hoops and I’m confident from my design/testing thus far that this won’t be worth the trouble. In limited, however, metalcraft will be much easier to ensure, so this could still be a high pick. And by could, I mean 4/3 flyer for 4, so it is.

Dissipation Field – I love this card for EDH, since it’s just the blue equivalent of No Mercy. Seems strong in limited as well, but for constructed the power level just isn’t there. In fact, it could work against you still take the damage before bouncing the creatures, so while you die slightly slower, your opponent won’t be able to overcommit into your Wraths as easily.


Grand Architect – This card is amazing. Honestly? I think it does too much. I’m not complaining, but this is a really strong card both as a Spike and a Johnny. This is a big part of another deck I’m testing, which is also the deck that appeals most to my Johnny/Spike/Timmy sensibilities.

Inexorable Tide – Oh, I guess I promised I’d talk about every rare, huh? Umm…sell them for 50 cents while you can cause soon they’ll be bulk?

Quicksilver Gargantuan – This will be at least mildly popular as an EDH card, but I’m pretty unimpressed. Seven mana is just too expensive for this. It’d be a cute creature to cheat into play, but there’s better options, and if you’re cheating it in early than there’s unlikely to be anything worth copying.

Riddlesmith – Much like Myrsmith, I’m gonna hate this guy. The constant looting is going to make stupid combos far too easy. I’m looking at you, infinite mana myr!

Shape Anew – I’m torn on this. I want it to be good, but I know it’s not. I can’t think of any efficient ways to get an artifact token into play without actually running artifacts in your deck, and I can’t think off an artifact worth cheating into play this way. Polymorph wasn’t even that good, and that cheated in Emrakul. What does this guy have to offer? In extended you can cheat in an Inkwell Leviathan, but that’s still harder than cheating in Emrakul, so why bother?

Steady Progress – This card has a lot of potential, and I expect it to see some serious play. It’s a blue burn spell against a poisoned opponent, it buffs your planeswalkers, and it buffs those creatures that Ajani just put +1/+1 counters on. And it’s an instant. Oh yeah, and draw a card.

Thrummingbird – This seems really solid for limited. There’s going to be counters everywhere, and this guy could be a real difference maker. If he was black then it’d be great for constructed, but it’s not.

Trinket Mage – This is a proven commodity, but the reprinting of this guy just vindicates me for my seemingly unhealthy love with how awesome Brittle Effigy is.

Volition Reins – Fuck you, Mind Control! Volition Reins is where it’s at. One of the big problems with Mind Control is that if your opponent just swung at you and you topdeck the Mind Control, it doesn’t help. This solves that problem by untapping it! Oh yeah, and now you have a way to steal Planeswalkers. That’s probably useful too. Unless you steal Koth. He’s not gonna do shit for you, blue mage.

Black
Carnifax Demon – This is pretty ridiculous in limited. Like game over ridiculous. Seems like a solid card for mono black control, but MBC has been given lots of solid cards and people refuse to play it, so whatever.

Exsanguinate – Looks like my famous “Swamp-Go” multiplayer deck has a new win condition to replace Bond of Agony! This is no great shakes for anything beyond multiplayer, but I’m still really happy they printed it. Me, and five other people (Not my friends though, they’ll be pissed).

Geth, Lord of the Vault – This guy is a pretty awesome EDH general. He’s big, he’s evasive, he gets more stuff for you, and he even mills so you both have an alternate win condition and ensure you’ll keep having things to steal! Game over in limited, not gonna see the light of constructed.


Hand of the Praetors – If poison is playable, this guy will be in the decks. Is poison playable? We’ll find out October 7th at states, cause everyone’s gonna try. This card also gets bonus points for creepy artwork!

Ichor Rats – If poison is going to be viable, this is possibly the most important card. I hate that it’s 1 toughness, but it gets past a ground stall to get that last point of poison in since black and green don’t proliferate.

Memoricide – This is a really important card to print. First of all, it helps stop combo decks which is handy, but mostly it will force decks to diversify their threats. Most of the decks in the current meta (Which is meaningless now) would be absolutely wrecked if you removed a key card from it. I’m not sure how much play this is going to see in the end, but I think its very existence will help guide the format in a positive way; the fear of Cranial Extraction is often more deadly than the Extraction itself.

Necrotic Ooze – This card has a lot of potential. That’s the nicest thing I can say about it at the moment, but that’s still a nice thing to say. Now what activated abilities do I actually want to copy?

Painful Quandry – Every time this card is ever cast, it will result in someone posting on Twitter with the hashtag: #edhdouchebaggery

Plague Stinger – Did I say Ichor Rats was the most important poison guy? Actually it’s this one. This is the one that will actually get in there on turn 3 and get double Groundswelled because who the fuck has a flyer that early?

Psychic Miasma – This is a well designed card. It creates some interesting tension for the target, and is guaranteed to (eventually) hit a business spell. I don’t think it will see play, or minimal anyway, but I like it.


Skithiryx, the Blight Dragon – This may be black’s new favourite general for EDH. Why try to kill someone with 21 general damage when you can do it with 10? This is also strong enough in limited that it’s worth playing even without a dedicated poison strategy.

Tainted Strike – This card is so weird. I mean, why does it exist? Poison is an all in kinda deal, so your creatures should already have infect if that’s how you wanna win. I guess it helps round out a limited deck if you were unable to draft enough infect creatures, and I guess they were obligated to print something like this, but blah.

Red
Arc Trail – This card is ridiculous. I want to play this card. I want to wreck people with this card. Seeing this card spoiled is the reason I designed one of the five decks I’m testing.

Cerebral Eruption – I like that this spell can’t whiff, but why return it to your hand? Why not just keep digging like Erratic Explosion, Kaboom!, and Explosive Revelations? I mean, sure you can hit your opponent and all his guys for 15 for only 4 mana, but if that happens then your opponent fucking deserves it for playing Emrakul anyway.

Hoard-Smelter Dragon – I would draft this because it’s a dragon which means it’s a big flyer, but honestly? Viashino Heretic is better. WAY better. In fact, why couldn’t they just reprint him? Or Mox Monkeys. Those things were awesome! Oh, even better, they could reprint the Sex Monkeys! How did that art even sneak by R&D? And what’s up with Clergy en-Vec getting “blowies” (As you Canadians say) in the middle of a church service? Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, that dragon. It sucks. Get it out of my face.


Finally they printed a red Planeswalker worth playing. He costs four, he has three relevant abilities, and he’s a pain in the ass for control to deal with. That being said, if anyone uses him to cast Destructive Force on turn 5 and then drop their 5th mountain, I WILL punch them in the face. If they do this whilst declaring that is is indeed “hammer time”, I will ensure that they will never have children.

Kuldotha Phoenix – This is the one card in the set for which I think it’s worth jumping through the hoops of metalcraft. A Hell’s Thunder that you can unearth EVERY TURN is amazing.

Molten Pysche – Winds of Change + Sudden Impact = Worthless Bullshit. I do like that they just used a still from Fox’s “Alien Autopsy” for the artwork, though.

Spikeshot Elder – Do we have enough playable goblins for Sligh? If so, this guy is better than Cursed Scroll if you have a Goblin Chieftain out! Oh wait, no he’s not, cause unlike Cursed Scroll, he gets Wrathed away with the rest of your shit leaving you dead in the water. It’s an improvement over Magus of the Scroll, but if they’re so intent on giving us that effect again, why not just reprint Cursed Scroll? Oh yeah, cause it’s too good. So stop giving us half-assed replacements.

Tunnel Ignus – See also: Leonin Arbiter.

Green
Asceticism – Awesome for EDH, too expensive for anything else. Also, a real word. Who knew?

Engulfing Slagwurm – I really dislike this card. I’d much rather just have a 7/7 trampler for 7 than this ability. It’s cute with Lure, but that’s about it.

Ezuri, Renegade Leader – I’m sure this will see play, but it feels so weird that he doesn’t give +1/+1. Even so, I’m sure it’s better than I want to give it credit for, which is pretty much not at all. It’s saving grace is that there’s enough elves that you can use him as an EDH general. Then again, green has better creatures to play than a lot of the elves.

Ezuri’s Brigade – Show me how you consistently reach Metalcraft by turn 4 when he’s attacking without wasting 16 slots in your deck with subpar cards, and I’ll be impressed by this guy. I’m sure it’s absolutely lights out in limited though.

Genesis Wave – This seems good in an elf deck as a finisher. You can power it out quickly with Elvish Archdruids and flip over a ton of permanents, hopefully hitting an Eldrazi Monument. I also like that it says you MAY put ANY NUMBER of them into play, so you can still run your 4x Nissa and not fear killing it to this. I don’t think it fits in any other decks right now, but we shall see. Maybe this is what those stupid Myr decks will do with their infinite mana.

Liege of the Tangle – Here’s how every game with this guy is going to go outside of limited:
Player 1: “Swing with my 8/8 trampler, bitch!”
Player 2: “Sure, I’ll take 8.”
Player 1: “All my lands are 8/8’s now! Your fucked!”
Player 2: “Wrath.”

Putrefax – Oh Festergut, you were always my favourite. Next to Putrefax, that is. I still refuse to weigh in on if poison is viable at the moment, but if so this guy will surely be a big part of it.

Untamed Might – So first we had Howl From Beyond. Then they decided the ability was red and that it needed to be worse. Then it disappeared. Now it’s back, but it’s green and it’s better. Whatever. That said, it’s a strong limited card, and, umm…it’s a strong limited card.

Withstand Death – Don’t be fooled by the word “Indestructible” on this card. I know that’s an exciting word, but now that bury effects no longer exist, this is just a functional reprint of Death Ward. Were you excited when you first saw Death Ward? I didn’t think so.

Multicolour

Venser, the Sojourner – When Jace was spoiled, it was to mixed reviews. When I first read Jace, my immediate reaction was that it was the best planeswalker they had printed (You can check my Worldwake set review if you don’t believe me). When Vesner was spoiled, it was to mixed reviews. When I first read Vesner, my immediate reaction was that it was the second best planeswalker they had printed. Just sayin’.

Artifact
Argentum Armor – I like this for EDH and if Scars limited is going to be slow enough for you to use this it’s pretty devastating, but unless they make a reasonable way to cheat equipments onto guys to pair with Stoneforge Mystic, this is far too expensive for constructed.

Chimeric Mass – Good limited card and a nice improvement over Chimeric Staff, especially with proliferate. Hell, it could even be a constructed finisher since you can Wrath and then animate/swing with this.

Clone Shell – Somewhere someone is trying to combo with this in standard. They really shouldn’t be.

Contagion Shell – Amazing for limited, and that’s about it. I understand why it has to be so expensive, but it’s SO expensive!

Darksteel Axe – Any Phylactery Lich’s best friend. Still don’t think the Lich is playable yet, but it’s a start. Nice replacement for Trusty Machete for any white weenie decks using an equipment toolbox. Indestructibility on the equipment is well worth losing out on the 1 toughness boost. Also, sick in limited, especially if you’re going for poison.

Darksteel Juggernaut – Meh. I don’t even want to play this in my Karn EDH deck because it will force me to be on the aggressive at all times, and I don’t like to draw that kind of attention to myself.

Etched Champion – Wow, these artifact rares are really unimpressive so far, huh? Even with metalcraft, it’s just your choice of Phantom Warrior or a slightly improved Wall of Shadows. It’s sucks that they wasted awesome art on a crappy card that’s a throwback to an amazing card and is only rare because it’s too good in limited to show up at uncommon.

Grindclock – I like this. If it cost even a single mana to activate either ability I would hate it, but between Voltaic Key and proliferate, this can get out of control pretty fast. You know, unless they’re running Emrakul. Break out those black spellbombs!

Horizon Spellbomb – Wizards, I would’ve forgiven you if you gave us a strictly better Wayfarer’s Bauble.

Infiltration Lens – THIS IS NOT THE NEW FUCKING SKULLCLAMP. Yeah, it costs 1 to cast and 1 to equip and you can draw 2 cards, but you have no control over whether or not you draw cards without resorting to playing cards that are so bad they would negate any card advantage you could gain. I’m not saying it’s a bad card, cause it’s decent, but I swear to God if one more person compares this to Skullclamp I may have to choke a bitch.

Kuldotha Forgemaster – More ways to cheat artifacts into play! And this one is even slower and less efficient than the rest! This card is total crap, but my prayers go out to @JayBoosh who is still trying to recover from the horror induced coma he suffered after reading how “broken” this card is.

Livewire Lash – I like this card a lot, and I think it’s being underrated. Then again, I like it for poison decks because it’s best in decks where you actually will cast spells on your own creatures, but I think this has potential regardless.

Lux Cannon – This is mythic? I thought mythics were supposed to be huge, splashy cards like Godsire or All is Dust that have an immediate impact on the game, not cards that are either too slow to be useful or require jumping through ridiculous hoops that water down your deck’s design to make them passable. Maybe I’m not cut out for The Great Designer Search afterall.

Memnite – I always wondered how long it would take for them to print this. I knew there was no reason they couldn’t, I was just wondering if they’d ever bother. I mean, a 1/1 for 0 isn’t really worth it. Compare this to Khalni Garden. This is 1/1 creature that costs you 0 mana and 1 card. Cards are you most important resource, so since it’s vanilla that’s kinda crappy. Khalni Garden, however, effectively gives you a 0/1 for 1 mana and 0 cards. I’ll gladly pay a mana I wasn’t going to use that turn anyway for a creature, even if it is a 0/1, so long as it doesn’t cost me any cards! But yeah, if it weren’t for metalcraft and things like Glint Hawk and Kor Skyfisher, this would have 0 chance of seeing play. Of course, there are those things, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this does see some play.

Mimic Vat – I’m going to build a casual deck that drops this thing down, then Flashes Emrakul and proceeds to annihilate every turn. Seems fun! This has some potential for constructed, but it’s 4 am so I don’t dare try to concoct a viable example.

Mindslaver – It’s just like last time, isn’t it Steve! I love Mindslaver, even if it is responsible for me calling my opponent a “fucking douchebag” in front of the judge who would later train me. To be fair, our match went to time and he Mindslavered me on both turns 1 and 3 of our 5 turns. He couldn’t win the match, but it was irritating. And hilarious. Let the record show I was also laughing when I called him that, as was everyone else, so I wasn’t given a warning or anything.

Molten-Tail Masticore – See, this is what a mythic rare should look like, Mr. Lux Cannon. This thing is strong. REALLY strong. Stronger than the original Masticore. Not entirely sure what to do with this yet, but I do know that mono-red finally has an answer for Kor Firewalker that they could maindeck if they wanted.


Mox Opal – This will see standard play. Maybe it should, maybe it shouldn’t, but it will. It also seems like an auto include into Vintage decks, where it will be promptly restricted. It’s a neat card with cool art, but as a Mox it’s a little specialized for my liking.

Myr Battlesphere – This card’s silly. I think it’s pretty awful, but that’s not gonna stop someone from casting it turn 4 at states and killing someone turn 5 with it.

Myr Galvanizer – Because Wizards doesn’t even want to make you think to find infinite combos anymore.

Myr Propagator – This is a fun card and should be really popular for casual, much like Sprouting Phytohydra. I still wish they had named it Myr Fornicator though.

Myr Reservoir – Because Wizards want to make you think about tribal aggro decks either.

Nihil Spellbomb – This is an important card because Relic of Progenitus is gone. I like the design on the spellbombs where anyone can use them this time, but they reward you for being in a specific colour.

Nim Deathmantle – Definitely strong in limited since it’s repeatable recursion. Really expensive though so won’t see constructed play, but I imagine this will be pretty popular for EDH, especially as a way to recur your general for cheap.

Platinum Empirion – I guess this is better than Platinum Angel cause it’s harder to kill? It’s really just the same thing though, except you can still lose the game if your opponent has a “you win” card. Oh, and I WILL get both this and Yawgmoth’s Bargain in pay at the same time, and I will laugh. I guess that’s something the angel won’t let you do.
#edit: It has been brought to my attention that this doesn’t work. My fault for not bothering to read reminder text. Now I hate the card cause I can’t even do anything funny with it.

Precursor Golem – People are dicking around with this card trying to find stupid combos like Rites of Replication kicked and stuff (Which IS hilarious for EDH or casual). I think people are missing the important part of this though: this guy is basically a 9/9 for 5. That’s a pretty damned good deal. With the exception of a couple burn spells, any removal that would kill one of the 3/3’s would also have killed a 9/9 anyway, so whatever. Just remember, if you need one of them to either chump block and trade, use the real card, not the tokens. That way you then have two 3/3’s without that quasi-drawback.

Prototype Portal – They made Soul Foundry and Panoptic Mirror, so this was the natural progression. And yes, I will attempt to Mindslaver lock people with this.

Ratchet Bomb – Hey look! It’s just like Powder Keg but better! It kills enchantments and (theoretically) planeswalkers as well! And yes, it is like Powder Keg. I know Powder Keg didn’t tap to add counters, but it didn’t get a counter the turn it came in either, so barring any Voltaic Key or Paradox Haze shenanigans, the clock to kill a permanent of converted mana cost X by either card is the same. I think it’s odd that they’d give us a bunch of crappy rares, but then give us improvements on popular cards like Masticore and Powder Keg. I’m still convinced that this, along with Reverberate, is their way of saying “fuck you” to all the whiners who made them close the foil loophole on the reserve list. It’s not technically a functional reprint if you reword it to do the exact same thing in a slightly different way, bitches!

Semblance Anvil – Here’s another one people thought was amazing. But yeah, this will see as much play as Extraplanar Lens did. Less, actually, cause the lens at least sees play in EDH.

Steel Hellkite – See, THIS is what a mythic rare should be. Why isn’t this mythic? A 5/5 flying, firebreathing Pernicious Deed isn’t mythic? I mean, yeah it’s too expensive for constructed, but at least it’s a big, splashy effect! Big fan of this card, and this one WILL be going into my Karn EDH deck.

Strata Scythe – This is too expensive for what it does. I know it can give a huge pump, but that’s all it does. No evasion, no other abilities, just pump. People want cooler abilities on equipment, unless they’re cheap like the axe.

Sword of Body and Mind – Unimpressive in terms of the sword cycle and with the two least relevant protections possible, but it’s important because it means in the next two sets we should hopefully see Sword of Order and Chaos and Sword of Life and Death. Very excited about the red/white one since those are the two most relevant protections.

Tower of Calamities – About damn time they finished that cycle. Twelve damage seems like a lot, but it’s 12 mana to do it once so whatever. If you pull a foil one of these, find your nearest type 4 player!

Venser’s Journal – I hate to break it to everyone, but this card is correctly costed. That doesn’t mean I’m happy it’s so expensive, but it’s still correct. I don’t expect this to see play anywhere though. Why would I waste an EDH slot on this when I have Reliquary Tower?

Wurmcoil Engine – I don’t understand the price tag on this one, but it’s certainly a cool card. Gonna be a casual favourite, but I don’t expect it to make a big splash on the tournament scene.

Land
Dual Lands – These are my favourite duals since the Ravnica lands. Every set has new dual lands, but they all lack one thing. One VERY important thing. In fact, to me it’s the most important thing, which is why I like these so much. Any quality dual land should be able to tap for either of two colours of mana on turn 1. These lands provide that, and the provide that with no drawback or additional requirement. They may take a while to catch on, but these lands are the real deal.

That’s all for now, but check back as I will be updating this with the set overviews and lists throughout the day!

Mechanics
Imprint – The returning mechanic from Mirrodin. I was really hoping that mechanic would be affinity, but no such luck. It’s a shame, too, because the imprint cards in this set don’t really expand the design space. It’s almost like they’re just leftovers from the previous block that got cut for one reason or another. Not a bad mechanic, but it has an exceptionally weak showing in this set. Maybe the rest of the block will give us more to be excited about.

Metalcraft – This is a terrible mechanic. It can work for limited, but it’s extremely linear and uncreative. You can get some powerful creatures at a good value, but the lengths to which you must go to make that happen simply aren’t worth the effort. They also went completely overboard and this set is over-saturated with metalcraft creatures. The worst part is that most of the metalcraft creatures wouldn’t be tournament playable even if they permanently had the bonus.

Infect – I love this ability because I’m a big fan of alternate win conditions. However, I’m largely unimpressed by most of the infect creatures. I know that they need to be costed roughly the same as double strike creatures, but I still think they could’ve been a little better. Despite all this, however, infect is my favourite keyword in the set. Not the best, but my favourite.

Proliferate – The best new keyword in the set. This works extremely well with infect and planeswalkers; that much is obvious. However, the casual applications of this card are astounding. Magistrate’s Scepter can no net infinite turns even easier. Goblin Bomb can be a real threat without having to rely on your friends being kind enough to let you play Giant Fan. The Myojin can now make you lose all your friends. The possibilities are limitless!

The Top 10 Cards of Scars of Mirrodin
As with all my lists, these cards appear in no particular order.
1. Elspeth Tirel – This is no surprise.
2. Koth of the Hammer – This isn’t either.
3. Venser, the Sojourner – Planeswalkers rated highly? What are the odds!
4. Grand Architect – As I already touched upon, this guy does so much. It seems like he would be very specialized, but it works in a number of different ways and should see a lot of play. Oh, and in extended this guy with Pila-Pala is a two card combo that generates infinite mana of any combination of colours. Seems good.
5. Arc Trail – Two for ones are really good, especially at two mana. If this one card had been in M11, it would have reshaped standard.
6. Dual lands – People can keep bitching, but these dual lands do what dual lands are supposed to. You will learn to love them.
7. Mindslaver – I hate to have to put a reprint here, but if you’ve ever been slaver locked then you know how good this is.
8. Ratchet Bomb – This isn’t the answer to planeswalkers cause it’s too slow, but it’s a nice answer to creatures in blue or black based control decks.
9. Molten-Tail Masticore – This thing is an all around powerhouse. It does require you to play creatures so it’s not as good as the other Masticores in a straight control strategy, but its drawback also fuels its damage ability, which is nice.
10. Riddlesmith – Free, continuous looting seems really, really strong.

Top 10 Underrated Cards of Scars of Mirrodin
1. Venser, the Sojourner – Don’t let his current price tag fool you: people don’t like this guy. Everyone’s afraid of missing out on the next Jace so they’re buying it, but the majority of people don’t think this guy’s any good. They will be proven wrong.
2. Kuldotha Phoenix – I haven’t spent enough time to know if there’s a viable metalcraft deck for this guy yet, but I do know that if you have it, this thing is sick.
3. Livewire Lash – I don’t care what anyone says, this card is good. That’s basically the same thing I said about Brittle Effigy, and people are finally asking to trade for all the ones I picked up thanks to Trinket Mage.
4. Dual Lands – Seriously, quit bitching about these! These are the best dual lands we’ve had in years. I’ve already explained why, and if you still can’t understand then I’ll trade for every one you open at a $1 each.
5. Grand Architect – There’s no shortage of love for this guy right now, but it’s still not enough.
6. Steady Progress – FINALLY! I like putting commons and uncommons on these lists, and it’s about time there was a common worth mentioning. Proliferate at instant speed that cantrips is amazing. I already discussed the many things it can do, competitively and otherwise, and this is just a fantastic card.
7. Arc Trail – Is there really such an abundance of burn that no one’s talking about this card? Seriously? Get on the ball, guys.
8. Volition Reins – It’s Confiscate but better. What else needs to be said?
9. Memnite – It’s not the best, but I think it’s better than people are giving it credit for.
10. Dr. Jeebus, Planeswalker – Yeah, nothing jumps out at me as a 10th card for this list, so here you go.

Closing Thoughts/Overall Opinion
All in all, this site is, kinda…I dunno. I was really excited as cards were being spoiled, but then as I saw the commons and uncommons I became less excited. Limited will probably play well, but it’s all too linear, being either metalcraft, infect, or unplayable. My mind is very standard oriented right now as I prepare for states, and there’s just a lot of cards that are impossible to even attempt to build with. I do have several decks I’m testing that involve cards from this set, but unless you’re going for the poison kill, each deck is only really gaining one or two cards. Overall I think it’s a little weak, but at the same time there’s just enough good cards to keep people buying packs. And those cards are predominantly mythics, so they need to buy LOTS of packs. As always, time will tell, and I hope that states is able to show us all some things I missed. Well, I’d rather be right about everything all the time instead of just most of the time, but it’d be interested if states is able to show us something I missed.
So until next time, enjoy your prereleases, launch parties, and states. And by all means retweet this, comment here, and hit me up on Twitter or the sydlexia.com forums to discuss the set review!

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3-D Is The Future of Movies, Just Like it Was 60 Years Ago

By Dr. Jeebus September 15th, 2010, under Movies

Put on your 3-D glasses,kids!
Actually, 3-D has been the future of movies for almost a century, but the supposed golden age of 3-D didn’t begin until the 50’s. As it turns out, focus groups are nothing new, and the very first 3-D reels were shown to a test audience at the Astor Theater in New York City in 1915. The test audience clearly find these shorts to be retarded and wanted nothing to do with them. Those responsible for the test screening gave up on 3-D completely, and while there were others attempting to make the process work, no one really cared. THAT, however,was all about to change…in 38 years.

I've had a strooooooke
Welcome to the golden age of 3-D cinema: 1953. Here we see Vincent Price in the first 3-D release from a major studio: House of Wax, from Warner Bros. This movie had a lot of things going for it: It was a horror movie, which were all the rage, it starred Vincent Price (And is responsible for typecasting him), it was the first movie released with stereophonic sound, and, most importantly, it was full of ridiculous 3-D gimmicks like ping pong games as pictured above. You see, even in 1953 producers realized that total immersion into the movie experience isn’t what the viewing audience wants. What’s the point of making incredible technological advancements in cinema if they can’t be exploited at every turn to actively pull the audience out of the scene by needlessly throwing random shit at their face? As House of Wax director André De Toth famously said, “Who put this fourth wall there? I didn’t pay for this wall! Not my wall, not my problem.”
In 1954, Universal Studios released their second 3-D movie, and what would become the most famous and successful 3-D movie of the generation: The Creature From the Black Lagoon. This was the only 3-D movie to actually spawn a sequel, also in 3-D. And even that movie spawned a sequel! That one wasn’t in 3-D though. Much like James Cameron thinks today, movie makers of the 1950’s thought that 3-D was the future of movies. They would live to see the day when all movies were in 3-D, it would rain chocolate, and Hitler would rise again. Alright, maybe Walt Disney was the only movie maker hoping for that last part, but whatever. There was just one little problem with this theory, however. While the 3-D in these movies was actually very good, the projection process was a little complicated. It required two reels running simultaneously, and if the minimum wage projectionists were unable or indifferent to make sure they were perfectly synced, then the audience would experience headaches and eye strain. Basically, 3-D movies were like the 1950’s version of the Virtual Boy: “It seemed like a good idea! And that’s when the seizures started…”
After a four year glut of 3-D movies, the craze was finally laid to rest for all eternity. Until the 80’s. Sure, there WERE 3-D movies in between, but no one noticed or cared. I mean, there were 3-D movies in 1922, and that timeline perfectly fits my thesis, but no one gave a shit about those movies so they’re not worth mentioning. Anyway, the 1980’s brought us a bunch of awful 3-D movies, mostly horror. The highlights of this time period include Amityville 3-D, Friday the 13th III, The Man Who Wasn’t There, and Captain EO. That’s right, these are the highlights. I don’t dare list the really bad movies from that era for fear that you’ll do independent research and willfully subject yourself to that shit. Again, though, filmmakers were convinced that 3-D was the future and that all movies would soon be in 3-D. As much as I want to say how stupid a notion that is, I’ll let Marty do the honours:

So here we are again. As has happened every 30 years for the past 90 years, though only relevantly so for the last 60 years, 3-D has once again become the future of movies. There’s always a 3-D movie here and there, but 2010 saw a surge in them, and 2011 promises to have dozens of 3-D movies. Having just seen Resident Evil, I have to say that it’s not going to happen. The technology for 3-D movies has come a LONG way since the first patent was filed for 3-D projection in the late 1890’s, however simple minded directors have not. I just saw Resident Evil last weekend and much of the 3-D looked really nice, but they still insist on throwing crap at the screen . Maybe once directors learn how to incorporate 3-D into movies so that it strictly adds to the experience, not detracts, then there’ll be a chance for it to become the industry standard.

Or maybe Nintendo just have to figure out how to get their 3DS technology to work on a large screen so we don’t have to wear those ridiculous 3-D glasses. More likely, however, I’ll see you all again in 2040.

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Hiatus from a Hiatus from a Hiatus

By Dr. Jeebus September 13th, 2010, under General

So I had taken a hiatus from the blog to start writing a book, which I did and it went well. Then I started getting involved in other shit, and it went slowly. Then I basically took a hiatus from writing, which sucks. I now intend to get fully back on track and should be writing every day again. However, I should also have time to keep active on Twitter on to update my blog frequently, and this new format makes updating MUCH easier, so I’m excited about that as well. Basically, you have a lot more Jeebus related content to look forward to, and to the many, many people who left me positive, encouraging, and exciting feedback regarding my novel, know that it is indeed coming, and if all goes well it will be completed before the end of the year. Published is another story entirely, but one step at a time.

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